tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31804060720186943712024-03-12T23:32:29.673-04:00New Pathways CounselingMonthly articles related to mental health and relationships from the counselor at New Pathways Counseling in Sevierville, TNKariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-12633122654701773632012-07-11T15:47:00.000-04:002012-07-11T15:47:39.866-04:00He Doesn't Love Me!I've been on a little bit of a hiatus from writing blog posts this year, but I found a little time and thought I would sneak in a post this month.<br />
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I've been doing a series on the 26 Common Mental Mistakes according to Dr. Aldo Pucci and his book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1936236044/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=newpathcoun-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1936236044" target="_blank">Feel the Way You Want to Feel...No Matter What!</a> I thought it would be a great idea to continue with the Mental Mistakes, partially because I find them so entertaining, and partially because they're just really helpful to know. So, here we go!<br />
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Wife: He doesn't love me!<br />
Me: How do you know he doesn't love you?<br />
Wife: He doesn't take out the trash, he doesn't wash my car, he doesn't offer to do the laundry, he doesn't clean the house, he doesn't make the bed, he doesn't cook me meals<br />
Me: So what is love?<br />
Wife: Love is doing nice things for the person you love.<br />
Me: Is that the only way to love someone?<br />
Wife: Of course! There is no other way to love someone! The only way to show someone you love them is to do nice things for them! Don't you see that he doesn't love me?<br />
Me: What does he do?<br />
Wife: He always wants to hold my hand, or go out and do something, or buy me stuff I don't care about. He never does anything nice for me!<br />
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As you can see, this poor wife has an irrational definition of love. She has a rigid, unbending way to define love, and she insists that her way is the only way to define it. Why is this irrational? Because it's not based on ALL the facts. Her husband is actually loving her in many ways. According to Gary Chapman's book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802473156/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=newpathcoun-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0802473156" target="_blank">The Five Love Languages</a>, there are at least five basic ways to express love to someone: acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, and giving gifts. If this wife opens her mind and redefines love, she might find that her husband loves her tremendously and is trying to be creative in showing her how much he loves her. Having this irrational definition of love limits this wife.<br />
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What about you? Are there any irrational definitions you have that limit you? How might you change them so that you include a broader definition that is still based on fact?Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-34303040510785106502011-12-15T10:26:00.001-05:002011-12-23T08:58:09.708-05:00The "Magic" of Worry"I worry about her."<br />
"I love him so much that I just <em>have to</em> worry about him."<br />
"I just worry about people."<br />
"I'm so worried about what's going to happen."<br />
"All I know is this: I worried, and that terrible thing didn't happen."<br />
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What in the world is "worry"? "Worry is the act of obsessively thinking about a feared outcome" (Pucci, 2006). If worry is simply thinking, then is worrying about something acutally going to help the outcome go your way? No, not really. Worry is only mental exercise. It doesn't affect anything outside of the worrier. Action affects the situation.<br />
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One of the reasons we humans tend to get ourselves trapped in worry is that we often worry about a whole lot of things that never actually happen. Sometimes we begin believing that it is <em>because</em> we worry that these things don't happen. We humans like to think we have control over situations, and believing that our worry affects the outcome of a situation gives us a false sense of control. Worry has never actually protected you or anyone else from anything. It is only action that has had any influence in decreasing the threat of harm in any situation.<br />
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If you happen to find yourself caught in a web of worry, ask yourself two questions: <br />
1. What is my goal for this situation? <br />
2. Is there any information that has come to my attention that my goal in this situation is <em>actually</em> being threatened?<br />
If the answer to the 2nd question is no, refuse to worry. If the answer is yes, then it's time to take appropriate action. The best approach to handling worry is to recognize if there is a true threat, and if a true threat exists, to act on it. Simply being concerned or worrying about a threat does nothing to decrease it.<br />
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If it happens that you or someone you love is in a threatening situation or a situation that is <em>highly likely to become threatening</em>, refuse to worry, pull out your problem-solving skills, and take appropriate action. When you determine to remove worry, and the magical thinking that accompanies it, from your life, you will notice your life becoming more calm and peaceful every day.<br />
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For more information about magical worry, read Aldo Pucci's The Client's Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, available <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx" target="_blank">here</a>.Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-7984824050086907172011-11-22T15:20:00.001-05:002011-11-28T17:20:38.220-05:00This Is TERRIBLE! (Or Horrible, Or Awful, Or a Catastrophe, Or The-End-Of-The World, Or Devastating, Etc...)Catastrophizing (kuh-TASS-truh-feye-zing), or believing ourselves to be so inept that we cannot effectively deal with a situation, often leads us to view situations as worse than they actually are. We describe these situations or events as terrible, horrible, awful, devastating, catastophic, end-of-the-world types of scenarios rather than situations we actually have some control over. When we think about situations this way, we tend to create so much anxiety around the situations that we cause ourselves to freeze and to completely forget that we may in fact have some influence over this situation after all.<br />
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Research has shown (Yerkes, 1908) that there is an optimal level of arousal for every task. For example, to rescue your child from a burning building takes quite a bit of arousal, but too much arousal might leave you frozen in the front yard. Too little arousal might lead you not care and the child would not be rescued. Now imagine if that high amount of arousal were present when you were to give an oral presentation in front of a crowd. You would likely be too aroused to effectively remember what you had so diligently prepared. In that situation, less arousal is required to optimally perform the task.<br />
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Sometimes we believe that there are situations that are objectively awful, terrible, hideous, devastating, or catastrophic. But again, these situations are not objectively awful. If they were, everyone would think exactly the same way about them. Let's take the recent recession as an example. Many people view the recession as horrible, awful, or even devastating. And yet some people, like those who buy and sell gold for a living, are finding this recession to actually be profitable. If a recession were objectively awful, everyone would see it as awful.<br />
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Because there is no such thing as an objectively terrible situation, we are free to label anything as terrible. When we do, we upset ourselves and make ourselves miserable. We have another freedom here, though, that we never really think about. If we can label something as terrible, we can also label the same thing as unfortunate, undesirable, or unpleasant but survivable. It is a good idea to keep in mind that there is also no event or situation that is objectively unpleasant. So adding in the words, "for me" to your description of your situation helps you to calmly, rationally deal with that situation to help you to meet your goals. For example, changing a statement from, "This recession is completely devastating!" to, "This recession is unfortunate for me and my family, and I dislike it!" helps us to maintain an optimal level of arousal about the situation, and it places us in a much better position to correct the situation than labelling the situation as devastating, terrible, horrible, or awful.<br />
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So remember, if you hear yourself using the words, "terrible", "horrible", "awful", "devastating", etc., to describe your situation or a feared event, replace those words with, "unfortunate for me." You will find that you are much more effective at dealing with situations than you thought!<br />
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For more on this topic, read Aldo Pucci's <i><a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx">The Client's Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy</a></i>.<br />
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Yerkes, R. & Dodson, J. (1908). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit-formation. <i>Journal of Caparative Neurology and Psychology </i>, 18 459-482.<br />
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<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=059538076X&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe><br />
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<br />Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-64423126816737504062011-10-21T15:20:00.001-04:002011-10-21T15:25:19.282-04:00I Just Can't Stand It!There are a few phrases that make my skin crawl when I hear them. The first one is an inappropriate use of the word "<a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.blogspot.com/2011/05/stop-shoulding-on-yourself.html">should</a>", and another is the use of the phrase "I can't stand it!". Both of these phrases are indicators that something irrational is about to happen, and I had better look out!<br />
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Why is "I can't stand it", or "Can't Stand-itis", irrational? Can't Stand-itis infers that a person cannot withstand or tolerate a situation, or that a person NEEDS a situation to be different than it is (see "<a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.blogspot.com/2011/08/but-mom-i-really-need-it.html">But, Mom, I REALLY NEED it</a>!"). This type of thinking often leads people to avoid situations out of fear rather than believing they can effectively handle the situation and therefore approaching the situation without fear.<br />
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When we say we can't stand something we are in effect saying that we will die or this situation will kill us if it doesn't change. So when someone tells me that they can't stand something, I often say, "Sure you can. You've been in this situation for a while now, and you're not sitting here dead. You can stand it. You just don't like it." Once I make my point, the person often has more confidence to approach their situation, seek a sound solution, and implement it effectively. <br />
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The next time you hear yourself saying, "I just can't stand ______!", replace that thought with "I really can stand it, I just don't like it. Because I don't like it, I'm going to do something about it." <br />
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For more information, check out Aldo Pucci's book <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx">Feel the Way You Want to Feel...No Matter What!</a>
<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B003Y74RNM&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-9268698602313393452011-09-16T15:54:00.000-04:002011-10-21T15:25:19.289-04:00Do I HAVE to?How many times have you heard this from a whining child (or maybe you just said it yesterday!). The truth is, we don't HAVE to do anything, unless we are physically overpowered and made to do it. Everything else is a choice. What gets us in trouble is when we confuse CHOOSING to do something with HAVING to do something.<br />
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When people are faced with a command or something that they believe they HAVE to do, they tend to resent it. The more unpleasant the thing they have to do, the more they resent that thing. They have the perception that they are being forced against their will to do something.<br />
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Sometimes we choose things because even though that thing is unpleasant, the consequence of doing that thing is desirable. For instance, I hear lots of people say, "I have to go to work." That is actually an inaccurate statement. It is more accurate to say, "I choose to go to work, because I choose the rewards I get from work, namely, money to pay my bills and to buy food and other desirable things." We choose to do something unpleasant in order to help us meet other pleasant goals or to avoid possible negative outcomes (paying taxes vs. going to prison, for example). These often unpleasant things are merely a means to an end.<br />
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What's the big deal about correctly stating whether we choose to do something or whether we have to do something? The big deal is that when we realize that we choose things rather than being forced to do them, we significantly reduce our resentment (our "upset", if you will). Even though the event itself is no more appealing, at least our experience with it is more pleasant. The other big deal is that realizing we are choosing something rather than being forced to do it allows us to take credit for making a wise decision. <br />
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You see, many people believe that they HAVE to stop smoking, and therefore they resent the process of ceasing to smoke. They may believe that they <em>need</em> to stop smoking to be able to walk farther or to breathe better, but THEY DO NOT HAVE TO walk farther or breathe better. Those things are optional. When people realize that it is their DECISION that leads them to stop smoking, and they realize that they can decide to smoke again at any moment, they feel much better about ceasing to smoke and they tend to me much more willing to quit.<br />
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The only two things in life that we have to do are to be born (because you were) and to die. Dying is unavoidable. Everything else is optional.<br />
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Remember the difference between "choosing to" and "having to", and you will lessen your frustration and resentment level and possibly be more successful in all your endeavors!<br />
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For more information, read Dr. Aldo Pucci's book <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx">Feel the Way You Want to Feel...No Matter What!</a>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-9881199922560744312011-08-08T10:17:00.000-04:002011-08-08T10:17:16.230-04:00But Mom, I REALLY NEED it!<span><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B003Y74RNM&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe></span>Confusing needs with wants is a very American thing to do. We are pretty spoiled here in America, thinking that we need all kinds of things. In fact, there are very few things that are considered absolute needs, or things we need in order to survive. A fairly exhaustive list includes adequate food, water, some degree of warmth, air, and medication in some instances. Everything else is a want.<br />
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When we mislabel our wants as needs, we tend to feel just as bad as if someone were sucking all the air out of the room. Our culture has conditioned us to believe that some wants are needs. For example, love, respect, attention, confidence, job satisfaction, money, approval, a car, a washing machine, peace, health, etc. When we say that we need something that we actually only want, we tend to upset ourselves by causing ourselves undue anxiety and anger. So, one way to differentiate between a need and a want is to ask, "How long can I live without this before I die?"<br />
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Another aspect of needs and wants is the concept of conditional needs. Conditional needs are things that we need in order to get a desired effect or to meet a goal. Conditional need statements can be accurate or inaccurate. For example, "In order for me to buy a house, I need to earn some money," would be an accurate statement. An inaccurate statement might be, "In order for me to be happy, I need to own my own house." Has that person ever been happy not owning their own house? Then it is untrue that the person would need to own their own house in order to be happy, although the person believes, feels, and acts as if the only way for them to experience happiness is by owing his or her own house.<br />
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Another danger with conditional need statements is that we often hide inaccurate absolute need statements within conditional need statements. For example, while the conditional need statement "In order for me to buy a house, I need to earn some money," is true, if I panic because I don't have any way to earn money, I am equating my failure at earning money and buying a house with a life-or-death situation, which would be an absolute need.<br />
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For more on this topic of needs vs. wants, read Dr. Aldo Pucci's book Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What! A link to this book appears at the top of this post.Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-64270793815857781512011-06-01T16:02:00.000-04:002011-08-05T12:52:57.965-04:00Do You Believe in Magic?<span><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=059538076X&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe></span>As I promised in the last post, I am addressing the second type of irrational "should". Sometimes shoulds imply a belief in magic. Yeah, I know, when I first saw this I thought, "Really? I would never do that! I don't believe in magic! That is just ridiculous! This shouldn't even be taught!" But then I listened and realized I had just made the mistake of using "should" to imply a belief in magic.<br />
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I have in my office a little white coffee maker. Now, suppose I take the coffee pot, fill it with water, pour the water in the coffee maker's reservoir, pull out the basket, insert a filter, put in some coffee grounds, push the basket back in, put the pot underneath the basket, push the on button and make sure everything is plugged in. I SHOULD get coffee, right?<br />
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Okay, suppose I do all of the above and yet forget to put the the coffee grounds in the filter. If I say I SHOULD get coffee, I would be wrong. If I get angry or verbally beat myself because I didn't get coffee, that would be silly! In fact, I SHOULD just get hot water, because I left out the key ingredient to the coffee!<br />
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So many times we upset ourselves with our magical shoulds. "Men should never hit women" is a common should that makes sense until we unpack it. Men should never hit women, but if the ingredients are all there (the presence of a man, the presence of a woman, close proximity, some object or body part to be used as a striker, the appropriate amount of emotional stimulation, the appropriate of force applied to the striker, for example), chances are the man will hit the woman. Now, if the woman who has just been hit states that she did everything to avoid getting hit, and yet magically it happened, she is not facing reality. She is not likely to look at the situation as it is, figure out why this happened, and do everything to avoid this in future. She is likely to get struck again. If she said, "I really wish that hadn't happened. I wonder what I could have done differently to avoid that situation," she is more likely to figure out what ingredients stacked up in order to make that happen and to avoid making the same mistakes again.<br />
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Everything is as it should be, because all ingredients have been added in order for life to be as it is. To Instead of stopping at the should, make an "I wish" statement and then look for the ingredients you can change in order to prevent the undesired situation from happening again.<br />
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For more on this topic, read Aldo Pucci's <em>The Client's Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.</em>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-35413307542824592172011-05-06T14:42:00.000-04:002011-08-05T12:52:57.966-04:00Stop "Shoulding" on Yourself!<span><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1936236044&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe></span>Irrational should statements are one of my favorite mental mistakes to teach. I will go in to part one this time, and the next blog will hold part two.<br />
Many of us use the word "should" irrationally everyday without even knowing it. Should is irrational when it is used as a moralistic demand, command or rule. When we direct these moral commands and demands against ourselves, we set ourselves up for feeling guilty or depressed ("I should be able to live up to my utmost expectations"). When we direct these shoulds outwardly, we set ourselves up for anger, anxiety, and blame ("You should not treat me that way!"). Shoulds are often expressed as absolute rules, and if those rules are broken there will be dire consequences.<br />
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Some shoulds are societal rules, which are good have in order to reduce societal chaos. The problem with societal rules is that they are not always based on fact. Sometimes they are just made up and blindly followed. We usually believe them because we do not know not to believe them.<br />
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Lets see how this plays out for a newlywed couple:<br />
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Wife: Don't put the roast in the oven yet, Honey! I haven't cut the ends off!<br />
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Husband: Why do you need to cut the ends off a perfectly good roast before you cook it?<br />
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W: You just should. My mom always taught me that.<br />
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H: What will happen if you don't?<br />
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W: I don't know. I have always cut the ends off roasts, and I have never seen it done any other way.<br />
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H: I want to get to the bottom of this...(picks up phone and dials Mother-In-Law)<br />
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M-i-L: Hello?<br />
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H: Hey mom! I have a quick question for you. Why do you cut the ends off your roast before you put it in the over?<br />
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M-i-L: That's just what you should do. My mother always did and her roasts turned out perfectly. If you don't cut off the ends, it just won't cook right.<br />
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H: (Unconvinced) Okay...thanks! (hangs up and calls Wife's Grandmother)<br />
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G: Hello?<br />
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H: Hey Grandma! I have a quick question. Why do you cut the ends off your roast before you stick it in the oven?<br />
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G: Well, if you come over to my house, I'll show you my oven. It's pretty old, you see, and back in the day they made ovens much smaller than they do today. I cut the ends off my roast because the oven was too small for these big ol' hunks of meat to fit in. That's why I do it!<br />
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This is an example of how a should, an ought-to, a must, or a have-to can be passed down from generation to generation. It made sense at one time, but now it no longer makes sense. There was a dire consequence that the roast would be ruined, but that was not at all based on fact. If the wife had checked out where this "should" came from in the first place, she could have been eating much more roast in her lifetime, and an argument could have been avoided!<br />
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For more in-depth study on irrational shoulds see the book to the left of this post.Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-44364956225334597222011-03-21T15:32:00.000-04:002011-08-05T12:52:57.967-04:00My UT Checkerboard SocksI have two pairs of University of Tennessee orange and white checkerboard socks. When I was younger, I assumed that these socks brought luck to my favorite football team, the Tennessee Volunteers, whenever I would wear them. I didn't have to be at the game, I just had to be wearing them during the game. The problem was, one of these pairs of socks always won the game, and one pair only won some of the time. I couldn't remember which pair brought the luck. So if UT lost the football game, it was my fault for wearing the wrong pair of socks and not bringing the right mojo.<br />
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How many times do we assume responsibility for something when it really has nothing to do with us at all? This is called personalization. When my dad's friend looked over at me and told me the problem with the Vols was that I was wearing the wrong socks, that was called irrational blame. Personalization and Irrational Blame are defined as mistakenly assigning the cause of something to either yourself or to someone else.<br />
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Why is this a problem? This can lead to inappropriate feelings of guilt or resentment and trying to change the wrong thing. When we personalize or blame others for events, we either take total responsibility for an event or put total responsibility for that event onto someone else. That can take the focus away from the actual problem and leave us focused on our anger toward ourselves or others. This does not help to solve the actual problem.<br />
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It is important to accurately assess the causes of problems and to work to solve those problems rather than constantly look for who to blame. Attributing the cause of something to yourself or someone else is okay if it is accurate and if it helps to solve the actual problem. <br />
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I later learned that the Vols' poor execution of the plan had nothing to do with my socks, and I quit taking their losses so hard. I no longer blamed myself for something I really could not control. I learned that this problem had nothing to do with me, and that gave me freedom to enjoy the games much more fully.<br />
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What about you? When have you mistakenly assigned all of the blame for something to either yourself or to someone else?<br />
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<span><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1936236044&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe></span><br />
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Pucci, A. R. (2008). Feel the Way You Want To Feel, No Matter What! New York: iUniverse.Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-2303421450609482022011-02-09T14:25:00.000-05:002011-08-05T12:52:57.968-04:00Stop Calling Me (Inaccurate) Names!Irrational labelling, or assigning an inaccurate name to someone or something, tends to get us in trouble. Many times we can get overly emotional about a subject or we limit our understanding of that subject just because of the name we choose to apply to it.<br />
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For example, lets look at the word catastrophe. Many people call many events catastrophes, but are they really catastrophic or are they simply unfortunate? A catastrophe is a disaster that occurs suddenly and is widespread. So, if your date didn't go the way you had planned, is that necessarily a catastrophe, or is it merely an unfortunate circumstance? If your significant other suddenly breaks up with you, is that a catastrophe, or is it something that is unpleasant or undesirable?<br />
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What about name-calling? We often call people names to put them in categories or to put them down. Lets use the word nerd as an example. We often label smart people as nerds. Just because someone is smart, does that mean that they possess all the qualities of a nerd? Can a nerd, or a smart person, also be athletic or talented in another area?<br />
Labelling becomes a problem when we allow the label to limit our view of ourselves or others. If you say, "I am a failure," you are limiting your view of yourself to only those times that you have failed. You are not considering those times when you have had success. This, in turn, could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you start acting the part of a failure, then unintentionally set yourself up to fail more often, which makes your label more and more true to you.<br />
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When you assign a label to someone or accept a label that someone has put on you, consider whether this is an accurate label. One of the most accurate labels that I have ever seen is that of "Fallible Human Being" (or FHB). FHB describes every person I have ever known, including myself. When you start to see yourself and other people as FHB's, notice how your demeanor becomes more calm and your world less stressful.<br />
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Pucci, A. R. (2006). <em>The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to live a healthy, happy life… no matter what!</em> Lincoln, NE: iUniverse.<br />
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<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1936236044&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-88232481437338557122010-12-20T13:51:00.001-05:002011-08-05T12:52:57.970-04:00Emotional Reasoning is Irrational ReasoningEmotional Reasoning and Gut Thinking is the mental mistake of allowing your feelings to dictate your thinking, and to reason that your skewed thinking must be accurate because your feelings are validating your thoughts. For example, if you are feeling anxious about something, you are likely to think anxious thoughts about other things that you might not normally consider fearful. In response to the anxious thinking, you feel more anxious. This results in a cycle of anxious thinking that can lead many into silly fear-based decisions or even to full-blown panic attacks.<br />
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It is important to understand that when we feel bad physically, such as when we are fatigued or dealing with an illness, we are prone to look at situations as much bigger or more important than they are in reality, and therefore fall into the trap of emotional reasoning. Below are some examples of how emotional reasoning and gut thinking could get us into trouble, and some solutions to help us overcome this mental mistake.<br />
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<strong><u>For Example:</u></strong><br />
<strong>Anxious Annie:</strong> I am so stressed out. I have so much to do today, and I'm afraid I can't get it done. If I don't finish my projects, pick up my kids, have dinner on the table by 5:30, run by the cleaners, the bank, the church, bring that meal to that family who was just in the hospital, pay all the bills, clean the house from top to bottom for the open house tomorrow night, smile while doing the jobs of the last two people who got fired plus take care of my responsibilities at work, coach the soccer team to a winning season and make my kids practice piano, karate, band instruments, and do homework, then I'll be a good-for-nothing lazy wife and mom who is a failure. I am so stressed out! If I'm a not good enough, then my husband will leave me and then my kids won't be well adjusted and they'll spend 30 years in therapy! That would be terrible! Oh no! Now I have the hiccups! I can't get a deep breath! I must have something wrong! I must be dying! My kids will definitely not be well-adjusted if I die! Now my heart hurts and my palms are sweaty and I feel nauseated! What's happening? I don't know! I think I'm going to die!<br />
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<strong>Grumpy Gus:</strong> What a gloomy day. I am so tired. I have to deal with that client today. He really ticks me off. I just get angry thinking about him! And you know what? I have to go to that stupid meeting afterward. I can't stand that meeting! And when I go home, I bet my wife won't have dinner ready after I've worked so hard all day. You know, she really doesn't love me. UGH! I'm feel so frustrated and angry! I have nothing good to look forward to! My life is going all wrong! I feel so sad, alone, and abandoned, at that makes me mad!<br />
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<strong><u>How to overcome Emotional Reasonal and Gut Thinking:</u></strong><br />
<strong>1. Call it what it is.</strong> Just assigning a name to your thought patterns can pull you out of them enough to change them.<br />
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<strong>2. Ask yourself, "Do I usually think this way about this situation, or do I only think this way when I am in a certain mood or upset about something else?"</strong> If the answer is that you only think this way about this situation when you are upset, refuse to allow this thinking to continue and apply the three rational questions.<br />
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<strong><u>Anxious Annie's new thinking:</u></strong><br />
I am so stressed out. I have a lot to do today. I am afraid I won't be able to get it all done. I am probably especially prone to emotional reasoning right now, so I need to change my thinking. Instead of thinking that I'm a good-for-nothing lazy wife and mom if I don't get all this done today, I will just call myself a fallible human being just like everyone else. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a failure and my kids won't be well-adjusted if I can't get to a few things by today. I will prioritize my day and work hard to get my responsibilities taken care of. Hmmm...that's interesting. I just hiccupped. Just because I have the hiccups doesn't necessarily mean that I will suffocate. I'll concentrate and take a few deep breaths, but I know the hiccups will go away soon.<br />
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<strong><u>Grumpy Gus' new thinking:</u></strong><br />
It's a gloomy day and I'm tired. I choose to meet with that client today. I usually look forward to that client, but I'm not today. I must be reasoning emotionally because I don't feel good. And most of the time I don't mind that meeting. My wife may not have dinner ready, but that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't love me. Maybe she had a hard day, too. I guess life isn't as bad as it had seemed.<br />
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Watch out for emotional reasoning and gut thinking in your life, and your life will be better for it!<br />
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Pucci, A. R. (2006). The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to live a healthy, happy life… no matter what! Lincoln, NE: iUniverse.<br />
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<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=059538076X&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-24702994444482771372010-11-17T12:59:00.003-05:002011-08-05T12:52:57.971-04:00Get Rid of That Magnifying Glass!I love teenagers. They are perhaps the most excited bunch of people in America. They are also lots of fun. Part of the reason they are so fun is that they tend to exaggerate things, and they can be terribly funny when they do it.<br />
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Magnification, “the mental mistake of exaggerating the importance of a shortcoming or minimizing the importance of a good quality” (Pucci, 2006) is one of those mental mistakes I see my teenagers making most often. Have you ever heard a teenager say something like, “My life is ruined because I failed that test,” or “Everyone will look at me if I wear that ugly shirt,” or “That zit is so ginormous that I can’t go to school because everyone will look at me and I will be socially ruined!”? These are examples of exaggerating the importance of a shortcoming.<br />
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We also tend to minimize the importance of a good quality. A brilliant Julliard trained musician could sit at a keyboard, play for hours, and play just about anything by ear. He said that he could not have a career in music because he is a terrible public speaker. Even though all his professors and peers said that he had great potential, this man limited himself in his belief that all of his talent didn’t count, and instead focused on how terrible he was at public speaking.<br />
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How can we avoid magnifying?<br />
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1. Ask, “Is this shortcoming really likely to interfere with me meeting my goals?” (Pucci)<br />
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2. Ask, “Does my shortcoming really affect me the way I think it does?” (Pucci)<br />
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3. Ask, “Might my strengths affect my situation more than my shortcomings?” (Pucci)<br />
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Accurately assessing our assets and abilities can be a great aid in avoiding magnification.<br />
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Pucci, A. R. (2006). The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to live a healthy, happy life… no matter what! Lincoln, NE: iUniverse.<br />
<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=059538076X&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-56597139042180040902010-10-18T15:22:00.000-04:002010-10-18T15:22:25.376-04:00Do You Have a Crystal Ball?The second way many of us fallible human beings jump to conclusions is by fortune telling. "Oh, I don't do that! I don't have a crystal ball and try to tell people the future!" That's what I said to myself when I first saw this, but then I got to looking into it. Fortune Telling is forming an opinion on which you would act by predicting the future. It is not saying, "This MIGHT happen", but rather, "I KNOW this will happen," and then acting on that "knowledge".<br />
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Here's an example of what fortune telling could look like:<br />
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Me: So, how is your dating life going?<br />
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Client: Not so good. I'm going to break up with him.<br />
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Me: Really? What happened?<br />
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Client: Well, I know he's going to break up with me.<br />
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Me: How do you know he's going to break up with you?<br />
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Client: I just do.<br />
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Me: So what you're telling me is that you know he's going to break up with you, so you're going to break up with him first. Seeing as you and I don't have a crystal ball that tells us what the future holds, what evidence do you have that leads you to believe that he's going to break up with you?<br />
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Client: He has never had a girlfriend past 3 months, and we're at 2 months and 25 days. We had a big fight yesterday.<br />
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Me: Okay, so if we were gambling, we could probably make a lot of money betting that he will break up with you based on the evidence you've presented, right?<br />
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Client: Right.<br />
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Me: But since neither of us has a crystal ball that tells us for certain what the future holds, what prevents you from having an honest discussion with him about your thoughts and fears with the relationship? What do you have to lose?<br />
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Client: I'm afraid he'll break up with me if I'm that vulnerable, and that would be terrible because it would mean that he has rejected me.<br />
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Me: Well, certainly no one enjoys being rejected. How important is this relationship to you?<br />
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Client: Very.<br />
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Me: Okay. Have you ever been rejected before?<br />
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Client: Yes.<br />
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Me: Did you survive it?<br />
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Client: Well, I'm still alive aren't I? Of course I survived!<br />
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Me: So do you think it might be worth risking rejection and vulnerability to save this very important relationship?<br />
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Client: Yeah, I think it would.<br />
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It is good to recognize when we are jumping to conclusions by fortune telling, because it can prevent us from creating self-fulfilling prophecies (SFPs). An SFP is the unintentional creation of the predicted outcome because the person predicted it. In the example above, the client predicted that the relationship would not last past three months. This led to the client being unwilling to be vulnerable and share her true thoughts and feelings with her boyfriend. After closing herself off from the relationship and preemptively breaking up with him (creation of the predicted outcome), she likely would say, "See, I told you the relationship wouldn't last past three months!" An outsider can clearly see, however, that had she been open and honest with her thoughts and feelings even though she believed this to be true, the relationship might have lasted more than three months. There might have been a different outcome.<br />
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There is nothing irrational about making an educated guess or prediction for personal guidance. It is when we become CERTAIN that our prediction WILL happen, instead of it merely being LIKELY to happen, that our thinking becomes irrational. Because we cannot accurately predict that we will even take our next breath, the only prediction that we can be CERTAIN of is that we will all one day die.<br />
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In order to avoid Fortune Telling and SFPs, make sure you are looking at your situation with all the facts, and you understand what your underlying assumptions are. Take your time formulating your opinions and your actions.<br />
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For more on this topic, read Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What! by Aldo Pucci.<br />
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<span><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1936236044&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe></span>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-41852979512488652122010-10-05T10:33:00.000-04:002010-10-05T10:33:33.974-04:00Stop Jumping to Conclusions!!<span></span>Ahhhh...jumping to conclusions, or "developing an opinion about something very quickly without gathering facts" (Pucci, 2006). It's pretty fun, huh? If you are human, you have probably done this at least once in your life. Jumping to conclusions is by definition irrational, if we define rational as passing all <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/december2008.aspx">three rational questions</a>. Jumping to conclusions takes place when we get tired of looking for all the facts or we don't think we have time or it would be a waste of time to find all the facts for a certain situation.<br />
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There are two main ways we fallible human beings jump to conclusions:<br />
1. <strong><u>Mind Reading,</u></strong> or acting as if we can read someone else's mind. Mind reading occurs when we KNOW someone is thinking a certain way, and then we act on that "knowledge" without checking it out. If we acknowledge that someone MIGHT be thinking a certain way, that is NOT mind reading.<br />
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<strong><u>How to stop jumping to conclusions by mind reading:</u></strong><br />
1. Recognize that it is impossible to know for sure what someone else is thinking. We may be able to see THAT someone is thinking (with an EEG or PET scan), but we cannot see WHAT a person is thinking. Even if we know someone very well, we cannot know for certain what they are thinking. We can try to predict what they will say or do, but we will never know what thoughts they had that led them there unless they tell us.<br />
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2. Recognize that trying to know another's thoughts is pointless. Because in the end what matters is how someone ACTS or TREATS US, knowing their thoughts is actually futile. For example, I can have a less than flattering thought about someone, but unless I act on that thought, they are not offended. I can also have a thought about giving someone a card or gift, but unless I act on that thought, that person will not receive the blessing. If you find that someone is treating you badly, instead of trying to figure out what they are thinking, talk to them about their behavior and if they would be willing to begin treating you differently.<br />
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In my next blog I will discuss fortune telling, which is the second most common way we fallible human beings jump to conclusions.<br />
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For more in-depth discussion and illustration, pick up a copy of Aldo Pucci's <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx">The Client's Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to live a healthy, happy life, no matter what!</a>.<br />
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<span><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=widgetsamazon-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=059538076X&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe></span><br />
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Pucci, A. R. (2006). <u><a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx">The Client's Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to live a healthy, happy life, no matter what!</a></u> New York: iUniverse, Inc.Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-88079844962376997502010-08-27T15:06:00.000-04:002010-08-27T15:06:56.360-04:00Discounting the PositiveDiscounting the positive is a mental mistake that is very similar to the <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.blogspot.com/2010/08/are-you-in-love-you-may-be-making.html">mental filter</a> (Pucci, 2006). When people discount the positive, they are often believing some sort of negative thought, and any evidence that comes up to the contrary somehow "doesn't count".<br />
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For example, let's say a woman believes that she is bad. After defining the word "bad" to mean that she is innately evil, is worthless, and has nothing good to bring to society, I bring up some points to counter her thinking. Bringing up the fact that the woman has a stable job where she is in charge of several departments yields a response such as, "Yeah, but that doesn't count because they felt sorry for me and kept promoting me even though I'm bad." Bringing up the point that the woman has never harmed anyone, much less murdered them, she replies, "I haven't yet, but I could." Confronting her with the fact that she has a family who loves, supports, and needs her, she replies, "I will probably end up hurting them one day too." This woman is discounting the positive evidence against her negative belief. When she does this, she depresses herself and makes herself quite anxious.<br />
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<strong><u>How can we make sure we are not making this mental mistake?</u></strong><br />
<strong>1.</strong> <strong>To think rationally, we must base our thinking on fact.</strong> This means all the facts, not just the ones that we like or that fit with our current beliefs (Pucci, 2006). <br />
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<strong>2.</strong> <strong>Ask questions that might disconfirm the already held belief</strong> (Roberto, 2009)<strong>.</strong><br />
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<strong>3.</strong> <strong>Decide to entertain competing beliefs </strong>(Roberto, 2009)<strong>.</strong><br />
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<strong>4.</strong> <strong>Probe the opinion of experts.</strong> If an expert agrees with the already believed thought, ask him or her why they agree with you and what evidence they have that supports or refutes your belief (Roberto, 2009).<br />
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<strong><u>Sources:</u></strong><br />
Pucci, A. R. (2006). <em><a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx">The Client's Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to live a healthy, happy life...no matter what!</a></em> New York: iUniverse, Inc.<br />
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Roberto, M. A. (2009). <em>The Art of Critical Decision Making Parts I & II</em>. Chantilly, VA: The Teaching Company.Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-33072851132529541932010-08-20T10:07:00.002-04:002010-08-20T11:34:03.495-04:00Are You “In Love”? You May be Making a Mental Mistake!According to Aldo Pucci (2006), MA, DCBT, and author of <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx" target="_blank">The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy</a>, Mental Mistake #3 is the mental filter, or, as professor Michael A. Roberto (2009) of Bryant University calls it, the confirmation bias. The mental filter is described as acknowledging only information that is consistent with already believed thoughts. In plain English, it’s like going through life with blinders on. <br />
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Have you ever heard the expression “Love is blind”? Well, that concept actually has some merit to it. When we are in love, we often believe that the person we are in love with is perfect for us. We will often overlook, downplay, or even change evidence to the contrary until it fits with what we already have our minds set to think. Later on, after we’ve been married for a while, the blinders come down and we begin to tell each other, “You’ve changed!” While it’s possible that we’ve changed, it could also be that the blinders we had while we were dating have started to come down, and we’re finally seeing the other person as they actually are.<br />
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I’ve heard this mistake used in several ways. Some people will believe that they are stupid (despite evidence that they are of at least average intelligence), others that they are worthless (despite evidence of their value), others that they are bad (despite evidence that they are no worse than any other fallible human being), others that their lives are no longer worth living (despite evidence that their unpleasant circumstances are merely temporary), others that their boyfriend/girlfriend is so wonderful and perfect (despite others warning of their criminal, murderous history), others that the Japanese would never bomb Pearl Harbor (Wohlstetter, 1962) (despite evidence that they were on their way), and others that they are the greatest thing that ever happened to the world (despite evidence that they are no better than the above average fallible human being). When they present their evidence for these beliefs, I often chuckle to myself, because I see the mental filter in action!<br />
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<strong><u>What can we do about the mental filter?</u></strong><br />
<strong>1. Look at and acknowledge ALL information about a specific belief or situation, not just that information that confirms your belief.</strong> Intentionally look for evidence that supports alternative views. Identify a thought or belief that passes the <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/december2008.aspx" target="_blank">Three Rational Questions</a> but that you may have difficulty believing. Pretend that you are an attorney, and in one week you must present evidence that will convince a jury that the new thought is true. Refuse to make up evidence and provide examples from your life that actually happen. Write down all your evidence.<br />
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<strong>2. Acknowledge that you can be incorrect in your thinking.</strong> List the things you think about the world, yourself, and others that you HOPE are incorrect. Now, look for evidence to support the possibility that you are, in fact, incorrect in thinking these thoughts.<br />
Being aware of the mental filter will help you in many areas of your life, including your love life. Now, go out there and prove yourself wrong!<br />
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<strong><u>Sources:</u></strong><br />
Pucci, A. R. (2006). <em>The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to Live a Healthy, Happy Life…No Matter What!</em> New York: iUniverse, Inc.<br />
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Roberto, M. A. (2009). <em>The Art of Critical Decision Making Parts I & II</em>. Chantilly, VA: The Teaching Company.<br />
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Wohlstetter, R. (1962). <em>Pearl Harbor: Warning and Decision.</em> Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-46216025856932493622010-07-20T14:20:00.003-04:002010-07-20T14:25:02.952-04:00Mental Mistake #2 – OvergeneralizationContinuing the discussion on the 26 Common Mental Mistakes, number two on the list is overgeneralization. According to Dr. Aldo Pucci in his book <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx" target="_blank">Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What</a>, overgeneralization is the unintentional exaggeration of the frequency of something (saying something ALWAYS or NEVER happens), or an inaccurate extrapolation (saying that because one part of a group is a certain way, all parts of that group must be that way). <br />
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<strong><u>1. Unintentional Exaggerations</u></strong><br />
This mental mistake is particularly used in marriages and in families with teenagers. You may have heard your loved ones say something like, “You NEVER let me do anything!” or “You ALWAYS get upset when I tell you how I feel, so I’ve learned not to tell you.” If these are not statements of fact, then these loved ones are overgeneralizing. They are not intentionally exaggerating; they are merely using the English language style they were taught. Is it accurate to say that someone ALWAYS gets upset when feelings are expressed by someone else? If it is, then this is not an overgeneralization, but a fact. However, if there has been one time where the person did not get upset, then this statement is no longer fact. It now implies that the person has the inability to feel something other than upset when the other person expresses his or her feelings. The same is true for the NEVER statement. If it is true that the person has not one time in the past let the other person do anything, then this is a statement of fact. If it is untrue that the person has never let the other person do anything, it is implied that the person in authority is a spiteful, tyrannical killjoy, and the statement is inaccurate.<br />
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<strong><u>2. Inaccurate Extrapolations</u></strong><br />
Inaccurate extrapolations can lead to many misconceptions. For example, a person was driving down the road and noticed a crew of Latino workers quickly and beautifully landscaping a property. The person told his wife, “You know, Latinos are hard workers.” They continued driving and passed a road construction crew where everyone, including Latinos and other races, was taking a break. The wife said to her husband, “You know, Latinos are lazy.” Who was right? Neither! Just because the Latinos in one situation were working hard does not mean that all of them do, and just because they were not working hard in the second example does not mean that they all do not work hard. Other examples of inaccurate extrapolations can include:<br />
Asians are intelligent.<br />
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White people are money hungry and have no rhythm.<br />
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Black people are good at basketball and can dance.<br />
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Christians are stupid.<br />
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Muslims are terrorists.<br />
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Men are evil.<br />
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Women are crazy.<br />
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All hot dogs make me vomit. (The person who said this had vomited only after eating hot dogs from a certain <br />
restaurant one time, and had never before vomited after eating hot dogs there)<br />
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Athletes are idiots.<br />
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Nerds are not cool.<br />
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Band members are geeks.<br />
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Teenagers are lazy.<br />
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Fords (or Hondas or Chevys or Pontiacs) are unreliable and will break down on you.<br />
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Inaccurate extrapolations like these can lead to prejudice, hate crimes, and other unhealthy fears. They can also lead to mistaken underlying assumptions such as these groups of people or things being unable to be anything else than how they have been judged.<br />
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<strong><u>How to avoid Overgeneralizing:</u></strong><br />
1. Speak the facts, not what appears to be the facts or what is just easier to say.<br />
2. Make judgments on a case-by-case basis rather than judging all things to be a certain way simply because one thing was that way. <br />
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For more information, read <a href="http://newpathwayscounseling.com/BooksofInterest.aspx" target="_blank">Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What</a> by Aldo Pucci.<br />
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<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1936236044&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-18709459547848484992010-07-01T14:30:00.005-04:002010-07-01T14:30:00.604-04:00Look Out for Mental Mistakes!Are you a procrastinator? A perfectionist? Prone to depressed thinking? Just a little “OCD”? Prone to panic, worry, or any other type of anxiety? Your problem may be that you are making some mental mistakes!<br />
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<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=widgetsamazon-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1936236044&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>Dr. Aldo Pucci, the developer of Rational-Living Therapy, has identified 26 Common Mental Mistakes that most people make. These mental mistakes are easily identified, and once they are understood, they are easily rectified. Throughout the next few months I will be describing these Mental Mistakes, giving examples, and showing you what to do about them.<br />
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<strong><u>1.</u></strong> <strong><u>All or None Thinking:</u></strong> All or none thinking is defined as “seeing no middle ground.” This is often referred to as “Black or White thinking.” People who think in terms of All or None often have difficulty with: <br />
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<strong>Procrastination</strong> - “If I can’t get it all done in one sitting, I won’t do any of it.”<br />
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<strong>Perfectionism</strong> - “It’s not worth doing if I can’t do it perfectly.” “It’s not worth turning in if it’s not perfect.” “I’d rather take an F than turn in imperfect work.” “You either do the work completely or you don’t do it at all.”<br />
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<strong>Trying new things or staying with something they enjoy</strong> - “There is no use of me playing soccer if I can’t be on the USA’s World Cup soccer team.”<br />
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<strong>Marriage Issues</strong> - “You either love me or you don’t.” “The way I fold towels is the only way to do it correctly.”<br />
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<strong>Idealizing others</strong> - “He/she is perfect.”<br />
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<strong>Devaluing others</strong> - “He/she is absolutely terrible.”<br />
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<strong>Depression</strong> - “This situation is absolutely hopeless. There is no solution.” “Life is not worth living without _____.”<br />
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<strong>Dieting or Sobriety </strong>- “I indulged one time so I blew it.”<br />
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<strong><u>What to do:</u></strong> <br />
1. <strong>REFUSE</strong> to think this way any longer.<br />
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2. <strong>Ask</strong> yourself if your statement is absolutely true all the time, or if there is some sort of gray area or continuum. Dr. Pucci states that most things in life are on a dimmer switch rather than a light switch. What he is saying is that there are degrees in most things.<br />
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3. <strong>Replace</strong> your old thought with a new, rational thought.<br />
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4. <strong>Practice</strong> your new rational thought until it becomes your new habit.<br />
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For example:<br />
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<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" style="width: 400px;"><tbody>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200"><strong>Instead of thinking:</strong></td><td valign="top" width="200"><strong>Think this:</strong></td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“If I can’t get it all done in one sitting, I won’t do any of it.”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“If I can’t get all this done in one sitting, that’s okay. I will have less to do when I return to this project later.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“It’s not worth doing if I can’t do it perfectly”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“There is value in learning from my mistakes. If I can’t do it perfectly, there is still value in doing it.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“It’s not worth turning in if it’s not perfect. I’d rather take an F than turn in imperfect work.”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“I am a fallible human being. I can’t expect everything I do to be perfect. I would rather turn in imperfect work and pass this class than have to take this class over again because I failed to turn in an assignment”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“There is no use of me playing soccer if I can’t be on the USA’s World Cup soccer team.”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“Even if I don’t have the skills or talent for the USA national team, I can still learn a lot and enjoy myself by playing in my recreational league. If I enjoy soccer, I can play as long as possible.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“You either love me or you don’t.” </td><td valign="top" width="200">“Some days your love for me will be stronger than other days.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“The way I fold towels is the only way to do it correctly.”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“There are several ways to do many chores, and even if it’s not my way, it still gets done.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“He/she is perfect.”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“He/she is a fallible human being with positive, negative, neutral qualities.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“He/she is absolutely terrible.”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“He/she is a fallible human being with positive, negative, neutral qualities.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“This situation is absolutely hopeless. There is no solution.” </td><td valign="top" width="200">“Just because I don’t see a solution doesn’t mean one does not exist.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“Life is not worth living without _____.”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“My happiness does not depend on ____. I can have happy days and a satisfying life without ___.”</td></tr>
<tr><td valign="top" width="200">“I indulged one time so I blew it. I quit.”</td><td valign="top" width="200">“I indulged one time. I can learn from this so that I don’t do it again, and I can finish out the rest of today working on my goal of developing new and healthy habits.”</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Removing All or None thinking can help to alleviate many problems. How have you exhibited All or None thinking? What did you do about it?Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-47082177569986291042010-06-01T00:33:00.001-04:002010-06-01T00:33:00.200-04:00More Questions for Self-DiscoveryWe Americans have heard it said by many people that those people made whatever selfish decision they made because they wanted to “find” themselves. Wouldn’t it be great if people could find themselves without making poor, selfish, or regrettable choices? At the beginning of the month I posted some basic questions for self-discovery, questions that help us answer that age-old question “Who am I?” I got some positive feedback from that blog, so I decided to present some follow-up questions to get us all thinking about who we are so that we don’t “find ourselves” in a big fat mess later on in life.<br />
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1. If I had all the money and resources I could ever need, what would I spend my time, money, and effort doing?<br />
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2. What population of people do I have a knack for attracting?<br />
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3. What population of people do I want to attract?<br />
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4. Do I enjoy being with children, teenagers, young adults, middle-aged adults, the elderly, or special needs <br />
people?<br />
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5. What is my passion?<br />
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6. If I were to serve in a branch of the military, which would it be? Why? What job would I want to have?<br />
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7. What 5 things keep me from achieving my goals?<br />
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8. What 5 things helped me achieve my goals in the past?<br />
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9. What are the spiritual gifts that God has blessed me with?<br />
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10. What talents has God given me (remember that talents do not have to be fine arts like singing, drawing, dancing, or acting; talents can include being able to understand how and why things work, teaching, cooking, making things grow, encouraging others, setting and meeting goals, coaching others, etc…)?<br />
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11. What is attractive to me about my church?<br />
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12. What do I love about my closest friends?<br />
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13. What types of qualities do I tend to bring out in others?<br />
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14. Do I tend to follow the rules or break them?<br />
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15. Who do I respect? Why? What qualities do they have that I respect?<br />
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16. Is there anyone I do not respect? Why? What qualities do they have that I disrespect?<br />
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17. Do I control my emotions, or do my emotions control me?<br />
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18. What areas of my life would I like to improve? <br />
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19. What areas of my life am I satisfied with?<br />
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20. Am I willing to ask for help to change my life for the better?<br />
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These are great questions to ask to help us get better acquainted with ourselves. Another resource for us is the DISC inventory, which helps us understand more about our personality. <a href="http://www.crown.org/Tools/default.aspx" target="_blank">Crown Financial Ministries</a> offers a free version of the DISC on their <a href="http://www.crown.org/Tools/default.aspx" target="_blank">website</a>. Just click on “Find out now” which is right underneath “What's your Crown Money Map Personality I.D.?” and take the short (5-10 minutes) personality inventory. Make sure to read the instructions before taking the inventory. Good luck, and happy self-discovering!Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-77003590736618840872010-05-03T15:27:00.004-04:002010-05-27T14:04:51.515-04:00Who Am I?It’s amazing, but this most basic question is one that so many of us ask but so few of us know how to answer. Before you throw away your current life in search of the answer, take some time to do some self-discovery. You might find you already like who you are!<br />
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1. What do I like?<br />
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2. What do I NOT like?<br />
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3. What are my values?<br />
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4. What do each of the words I used to describe my values mean to me?<br />
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5. How would I describe my reputation?<br />
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6. What kind of reputation do I want to have?<br />
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7. Who do I want to BE?<br />
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8. What do I want to DO?<br />
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9. What do I want to HAVE?<br />
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10. What other goals do I have?<br />
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11. What are 15 things I want to accomplish before I die?<br />
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12. How do I want people to describe my life on my 80th birthday?<br />
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13. What is my proudest moment?<br />
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14. What moment in my life am I least proud of?<br />
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15. What are my top 5 strengths?<br />
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16. What are my top 5 weaknesses?<br />
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These are just a few questions to get you thinking about that most basic question we all ask. Schedule 30 minutes into your planner this week and begin answering these questions. This could be one of the most important exercises you will ever do, because this exercise will help you find your identity and your purpose!Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-90154409187247066342010-04-01T10:19:00.001-04:002010-04-20T14:46:00.028-04:00Make a Plan!<p>Do you panic?  Do you have flashbacks that are difficult to control?  Do you have suicidal or depressive thoughts that lead you to situations that may not be in  your best interest?  One thing that helps many people in these situations is to have a written plan.</p><p>How do you do this?  While you are calm, think back to a time when you were panicking, suicidal, depressed, having flashbacks, or generally just behaving in a way that wasn’t working for you.  Think of some things that you could have done in that moment to snap yourself out of that thinking.  Think of things you could have done differently that would have led to less exposure to trauma, more structured or rational thinking, or even just a healthier response.  Write those things down on a 4x6 index card.</p><p>Now think of where you are when you experience those symptoms.  Put your index card in an easily accessible and visible place in the area where you are when you experience those symptoms.</p><p>For example, if you typically experience panic thoughts and symptoms while driving, make an index card plan and put it on your visor.  That way, when you begin to feel the thoughts and symptoms coming on, you can easily see that you have other options and you know what to do to stop those thoughts and symptoms before they overwhelm you. </p><p>Here is an example of what this could look like for someone who often panics while driving:</p><p>1. Find a parking lot and pull in.  If no lot is available, pull onto the shoulder.  If no shoulder is available, pull into a driveway or onto a side road with little traffic.</p><p>2. Take a few deep, calming breaths.</p><p>3. Assess thinking.</p><p>4. Apply the 3 rational questions.</p><p>5. Read over the list of replacement thoughts that are located on the opposite side of the visor.</p><p>6. Continue to breathe deeply, read the list, and apply the 3 rational questions until calm enough to drive safely.</p><p>Having a plan like this can make all the difference in a panic situation, and can calm the situation down much more quickly than just riding out the panic with no plan.  Take the time today to plan ahead and take care of yourself.  You are worth it!</p>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-35179817429316684622010-03-17T15:56:00.002-04:002010-03-31T10:13:53.432-04:00Better Sleep<p>I recently had the opportunity to speak at Sevierville’s First United Methodist Church’s WINGS (Women Inspired, Nurtured, Growing Strong) weekend on getting better sleep.  Here are some of the tips I found and taught.</p> <p><strong>1.</strong> <strong>Getting better sleep improves your life.</strong>  When you sleep well, your mood, concentration, memory and immunity improve.  Your motor coordination also improves.  Studies have shown that sleep deprived drivers often exhibit similar qualities as drunk drivers.</p> <p><strong>2. Avoid nicotine before bed.</strong>  Smokers often go through withdrawal at night.</p> <p><strong>3. Avoid caffeine. </strong>Caffeine, a stimulant, stays in your system for roughly 8 hours. Even if you don’t think caffeine affects you, try cutting back or cutting it out completely for a week and see if your sleep improves.</p> <p><strong>4. Avoid alcohol close to bedtime. </strong>It usually takes about 1 hour per drink to completely metabolize alcohol.  Even though alcohol is a depressant, it has been known to disturb sleep.  Make sure you have enough time after drinking for your body to fully metabolize alcohol in order to get a good night’s sleep.</p> <p><strong>5. Create a sleepy environment.  </strong>Most people sleep best in a cool, dark, quiet place. Use your bedroom only for sleep and intimacy with your spouse in order to promote cues for relaxation rather than work or stress.  A comfortable pillow and mattress will promote better sleep by allowing you to stay asleep longer.  Turn off the television so that the commercials and noise won’t stimulate your mind (thereby keeping you awake or waking you after you have drifted off to sleep), and so the light from the television won’t interrupt your internal clock.</p> <p><strong>6. Exercise a minimum of 20-30 minutes each day. </strong>This exercise can be broken down into 5 minute segments throughout the day.  Make sure to finish exercise at least 3 hours before bedtime to allow time for your body temperature to drop to optimum levels.</p> <p><strong>7. Stop eating at least 2 hours before bedtime.</strong></p> <p><strong>8. Finish all liquids at least 2 hours before bedtime </strong>to avoid nighttime toilet trips. </p> <p><strong>9. Develop a ritual.</strong> A nighttime routine can send cues to your brain to start releasing hormones that help you relax and sleep.</p> <p><strong>10. Get your worries under control. </strong>Practice your deep breathing, meditation, prayer, scripture reading, journaling, and progressive muscle relaxation to relax both your mind and your body, getting your worry off your mind so you can rest well.</p> <p>Putting these simple tips into practice should improve your sleep considerably.  For more help on getting your worries under control, seek the advice of a professional who can provide a world of new skills and ideas that will work for you.</p>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-23614001066976561442010-02-25T18:58:00.004-05:002010-04-22T17:25:47.781-04:00Is Suffering Always Bad?I don’t think so. Suffering is bad when we get nothing from it, when we learn nothing from it, and when we are unable to use our suffering for our benefit or the benefit of others. But suffering that leads to God is actually GOOD suffering.<br />
I can hear the sneers now. Really? You really think that suffering can be good? My answer to that is…absolutely!<br />
A family was torn apart by infidelity. The track that the parents in this family was on was not one that led to God. It led to selfishness and greed. When the divorce was final, one parent decided that seeking God was the thing to do. The children were then raised in a much more godly environment, which led to much more godly marriages for them and lives full of the Holy Spirit.<br />
Not enough suffering there? Okay, a single lady LONGS for a godly marriage. While still single, her focus is on God and knowing Him more intimately. She has served the Lord by educating and loving the children of missionaries in Africa, and by leading His people to more healthy and fulfilling lives here in America. Does she suffer? Every day. Is her suffering in vain? Absolutely not! Her relationship with God is one that most people only wish they could imagine!<br />
A young couple faced the unthinkable. After being married only two years, cancer struck the husband. He also had a stroke due to the type of cancer he had and was forced to push himself through over a year of rehabilitation just to be able to speak and to walk. Another side effect of his cancer left them without the ability to have children. This suffering was and still is tremendous for both of them. Is it necessarily bad? Well, the couple has begun the process of adopting children, and each of them has a stronger relationship with God due to what He has brought them through. The husband is able to share his testimony in his blog. Their friends and family have gathered around them in a way they never would have if this family had not faced such hardship.<br />
Has all this suffering been in vain? I don’t think so. God is redeeming each of these situations and is using them for His glory. Each of these situations is real, and each person has found hope and purpose in their situation as they have also sought God. When we understand that the purpose of life is to bring glory to God, we find that suffering has a real purpose, and it is not always bad.<br />
For more on finding purpose beyond your pain, go to <a href="http://purposebeyondpain.wordpress.com/" title="http://purposebeyondpain.wordpress.com/">http://purposebeyondpain.wordpress.com/</a> to read my friend, psychiatrist David Henderson’s, blog and book Finding Purpose Beyond Our Pain.<br />
<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=newpathcoun-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=0785229221&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-79065714506539950642010-01-21T15:15:00.002-05:002010-03-31T10:08:08.818-04:00Writing…It’s Such Great Therapy!<p>Writing is probably the best free therapy around, other than talking to a trusted, wise friend.  Writing has so many benefits, it’s a wonder that more people don’t do it!  Why is writing so beneficial?  </p> <p><strong>1.</strong> <strong>Writing helps you forget.</strong>  Many people who come to counseling have a forgetting problem.  Something bad has happened to them, and they believe that they MUST remember it or it will happen again, or they won’t remember how bad the situation was when they need the emotional power that is triggered by remembering event, or they will cease to be the person they are today, or many other reasons.  Writing something down helps you get to a place where you can forget and let go.  One reason for this is the next benefit.</p> <p><strong>2. Writing helps you remember.</strong>  There are many things you need to remember, but most things do not need to clutter up your mind.  After you have written something down, you can go back to it to remember.  In much the same way as a shopping list works (i.e. you don’t have to keep repeating the list over and over in your mind and thus distracting yourself in the store), writing about emotional topics helps you release the responsibility of remembering but allows you to remember at appropriate times.  If you need to tap into the emotional energy that accompanies a certain event, all you have to do is turn to that page in your journal, and you’re right back there again.  When you need documentation of an event, you can always turn back to your journal for a more accurate picture than what your brain has allowed you to remember over time.  When you read the emotional journal entries you have written in the past, you remember just how good or bad something was at that time.</p> <p><strong>3. Writing is glorifying to God.</strong>  When you remember where you have been in your life, and you see how God has taken you out of those dark places, God is glorified.  When you share those experiences with others, God is glorified.  When you write now, you can look back in the future with this perspective.</p> <p><strong>4. Writing helps you discover who you are.</strong>  Looking back over your writings, you discover more about yourself than you really ever thought you would.  You will discover how you tend to react to things, who you tend to blame for the things that happen in your life, things that are important to you, your priorities, your hopes and dreams, how you deal with good and bad times, and how you have changed over time.  Writing helps you take a more objective look at yourself.</p> <p>These are just four tiny benefits of writing.  What other benefits can you come up with?</p>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180406072018694371.post-16479455584139586652009-12-16T15:45:00.002-05:002009-12-17T15:22:29.159-05:00Getting Through the “Christmastime Crazies”<p>Have you noticed how life seems to get more and more crazy the closer you get to Christmas? Here are some suggestions for getting through this crazy season and keeping your sanity and family together!</p><p> <strong><u>1. Pick two to three traditions that will be special to your family.</u></strong> Traditions are wonderful things that help establish the identity and uniqueness of each family. Unfortunately retailers, amusements, attractions, friends, Sunday Schools, churches, and other outsiders want your family to feel obligated by tradition to go to their events every year. Picking two to three traditions for your family will help you to keep your focus, decrease your stress, and drastically reduce your busy-ness. You will still have special times that are unique to your family, but you will not become overwhelmed with obligations simply because tradition says you must continue.</p><p><strong><u>2. Discuss your plans with extended family before the holidays arrive.</u></strong> Many stressful situations occur when families have different ideas of what to expect during the holidays. When will everyone get together? Who is responsible for bringing food? How much are we spending on each other this year? Are we buying gifts for everyone, or are we drawing names? Answering these questions beforehand can make life more bearable for everyone!</p><p> <strong><u>3. Learn to say “NO”.</u></strong> Many people do not believe that it is okay to tell someone that they cannot do something or will not do something, even when what they have been asked to do negatively affects those most precious to them. For example, a mom who is already stressed out is asked to take four hours out of her day to collect, sort, and label coats for the food closet. This was sprung on the mom at the last minute, and the mom reluctantly agrees, knowing that doing this will make her late picking up the kids from school, which will stress her out. Because she’s late picking up the kids, she gets behind schedule getting them ready for their traditional night out at Dollywood enjoying the lights and shows. They arrive at Dollywood just in time to stand in line for Babes in Toyland. After standing in line for an hour and a half, they get close to the door and realize that there are too many people and they are not going to make it inside for this show, which is the last show of the night. The mom, dad, and kids are all disappointed and cold (it’s cold at night in December, and the line at Dollywood for this show wraps around several outdoor attractions). The planning that the mom put into this trip was wasted, and the tradition was somewhat spoiled. Saying no to extraneous or last-minute “obligations” can let your family know that they are your priority, and it can let those “obligations” know that if they want your time, they need to ask you for it in a timely, courteous, non-threatening, and hassle-free manner.*</p><p><strong><u>4. Refine your gift list.</u></strong> Especially this year, with the economy being so out of whack, it’s a good idea to refine your gift list. Do you really need to give the trash collector a $30 gift? The mailperson? The UPS or FEDEX delivery people? What about Uncle Larry in Arkansas? Would he appreciate a funny letter rather than an expensive gift? Making a budget and prioritizing who gets the best and who gets the leftovers is a great way to reduce your stress. Just because you <em>feel</em> obligated to give a gift doesn’t mean you <em>are</em> obligated to. Many times people would rather have a nice card with a personal note written on it than a brand new Christmas sweater that they’ll feel obligated to wear next year anyway.</p><p><strong><u>5. Shop with cash.</u></strong> Set up a budget, get some envelopes, write your recipients’ name on one envelope each, stash the appropriate amount of cash (according to the budget and the priority of the recipient) in each envelope, and shop away. When you’re shopping, pay for each recipient out of their envelope. It’s okay to make several payment transactions at the same store for different recipients. Make sure to put the change back in that recipient’s envelope. When you run out of cash in each envelope, you are finished shopping for that individual. Do not allow yourself to make loans from one envelope to the other. This will help you stay on budget, remain fair, and keep you from feeling guilty because you spent more on one person than you did another.</p><p><strong><u>6. Worship.</u></strong> Spend some time reflecting on what Christmas really is. Christmas is celebrated because God left His throne where He was being worshipped at ALL times, wrapped Himself in flesh, and allowed Himself to be born as a human in a barn. He left glory for humiliation for the sake of saving His children from an eternity without Him. When you think about gifts, think of this one, and remember to thank Him for His glorious sacrifice and for saving your life!</p><p>These are six easy strategies to keep yourself and your family sane, safe, and on budget this Christmas. Remember to enjoy these holy days and focus on the One who made them holy.</p><p>*This is not to say that helping in a food closet is a waste of time or energy. If one of your traditions that you choose is to help others, it is perfectly fine to do so. If the decision to work the food closet was made because you feel <em>obligated</em> to, then you might want to reconsider your decision. Cheerful givers are often more pleasant than resentful or stressed-out givers.</p>Kariss Waitehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10453698498896810882noreply@blogger.com0