“Each of you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19 NIV)
Again, this verse has much to say to us. We have already looked at how being quick to listen and slow to speak can help us. Now it’s time to look at how being slow to become angry can be accomplished in our daily lives, and how this can help us in our daily relationships.
Anger in itself is not a bad thing. It is not a sin to become angry. If it were a sin, then Jesus would not be sinless. He became angry when He was in the temple and saw the money changers and people selling sacrificial animals in the courtyard. A calm man does not fashion a whip, overturn tables, and call people names!
So if anger is not a sin, why is it referred to so much in scripture? We often become angry for the wrong reasons. People who are described as having a temper, being a “hot head”, and blowing up over the littlest thing are considered people who are quick to anger. Their anger has taken control of them and is probably destroying their relationships. Because our God is a God of relationship, He warns us against being a “hothead”.
How can we practically be slow to anger? First we must “take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5) Know what you’re thinking. What are the actual thoughts that are going through your mind?
Second, ask some questions:
1. Are my thoughts based on fact?
2. Do these thoughts help me achieve my goals?
3. Do these thoughts help me feel the way I want to feel?
4. Do I have any control over this situation?
If your thoughts do not pass any of the four questions listed above, throw out your thought and replace it with one that passes them all.
Here’s an example:
Original thought: She makes me so mad when she smacks her gum because I know she does it on purpose and she’s just out to get me and drive me crazy! If I said something about it, though, she’d just ignore me or laugh at me.
Question #1: Is my thinking based on fact? No. First of all, no one can MAKE me feel anything; it’s what I THINK about what is happening that determines how I feel. Also, I don’t really know if she wants to drive me crazy. That’s an assumption (unless she has specifically told me that). It’s also an assumption to guess at her behavior if I said something. So to rephrase the thought I will say, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something about it, I might feel embarrassed or hurt.”
New Thought After Question #1: “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something about it, I might feel embarrassed or hurt.”
Question #2 (based on the new thought above): Does this thinking help me achieve my goals? No. If my goal is to rectify the problem, this thought helps me to slink away. My new thought will be, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her.”
New Thought After Questions 1 & 2:“I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her.”
Question #3 (based on the new thought above): Does my thinking help me feel the way I want to feel? Possibly, but I could add a little more and help myself feel even more empowered. My new thought will be, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her. She may not know that this behavior is annoying, and I have the chance to help her out with her relationship with me and others around her who are too scared to say anything to her about it.”
New Thought After Questions 1-3: “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her. She may not know that this behavior is annoying, and I have the chance to help her out with her relationship with me and others around her who are too scared to say anything to her about it.”
Question #4: Do I have control over this situation? No. I cannot change another person’s behavior. I cannot control anything other than myself. Because I cannot MAKE her to quit smacking her gum, it does no good to become angry. Politely asking her to stop would probably help me maintain all my goals in this relationship.
If we worked off the original thought, we would likely still be angry six months from now and would probably act in a passive-aggressive manner (i.e. loud sighs when she pops in a piece of gum, using sarcasm, grunting or growling, complaining about people who smack their gum, etc…) or just let our temper show. Using the new thoughts, we become assertive, take responsibility for our own feelings and relationships, and allow the person the chance to correct their own behavior.
Being slow to anger takes time, practice, and patience, but it can be done! Just remember to ask yourself some simple questions when you feel your anger rising!
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