Slow to Become Angry

“Each of you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19 NIV)

Again, this verse has much to say to us.  We have already looked at how being quick to listen and slow to speak can help us.  Now it’s time to look at how being slow to become angry can be accomplished in our daily lives, and how this can help us in our daily relationships.

Anger in itself is not a bad thing.  It is not a sin to become angry.  If it were a sin, then Jesus would not be sinless.  He became angry when He was in the temple and saw the money changers and people selling sacrificial animals in the courtyard.  A calm man does not fashion a whip, overturn tables, and call people names!

So if anger is not a sin, why is it referred to so much in scripture?  We often become angry for the wrong reasons.  People who are described as having a temper, being a “hot head”, and blowing up over the littlest thing are considered people who are quick to anger.  Their anger has taken control of them and is probably destroying their relationships.  Because our God is a God of relationship, He warns us against being a “hothead”.

How can we practically be slow to anger?  First we must “take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)  Know what you’re thinking.  What are the actual thoughts that are going through your mind?

Second, ask some questions:

1. Are my thoughts based on fact? 

2. Do these thoughts help me achieve my goals?

3. Do these thoughts help me feel the way I want to feel?

4. Do I have any control over this situation?

If your thoughts do not pass any of the four questions listed above, throw out your thought and replace it with one that passes them all.

Here’s an example:

Original thought: She makes me so mad when she smacks her gum because I know she does it on purpose and she’s just out to get me and drive me crazy!  If I said something about it, though, she’d just ignore me or laugh at me.

Question #1:  Is my thinking based on fact? No.  First of all, no one can MAKE me feel anything; it’s what I THINK about what is happening that determines how I feel.  Also, I don’t really know if she wants to drive me crazy.  That’s an assumption (unless she has specifically told me that).  It’s also an assumption to guess at her behavior if I said something.  So to rephrase the thought I will say, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum.  If I say something about it, I might feel embarrassed or hurt.”

New Thought After Question #1: “I feel angry when she smacks her gum.  If I say something about it, I might feel embarrassed or hurt.”

Question #2 (based on the new thought above): Does this thinking help me achieve my goals? No.  If my goal is to rectify the problem, this thought helps me to slink away.  My new thought will be, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her.”

New Thought After Questions 1 & 2:“I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her.”

Question #3 (based on the new thought above): Does my thinking help me feel the way I want to feel?  Possibly, but I could add a little more and help myself feel even more empowered.  My new thought will be, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her. She may not know that this behavior is annoying, and I have the chance to help her out with her relationship with me and others around her who are too scared to say anything to her about it.”

New Thought After Questions 1-3: “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her. She may not know that this behavior is annoying, and I have the chance to help her out with her relationship with me and others around her who are too scared to say anything to her about it.”

Question #4: Do I have control over this situation? No.  I cannot change another person’s behavior.  I cannot control anything other than myself.  Because I cannot MAKE her to quit smacking her gum, it does no good to become angry.  Politely asking her to stop would probably help me maintain all my goals in this relationship.

If we worked off the original thought, we would likely still be angry six months from now and would probably act in a passive-aggressive manner (i.e. loud sighs when she pops in a piece of gum, using sarcasm, grunting or growling, complaining about people who smack their gum, etc…) or just let our temper show.  Using the new thoughts, we become assertive, take responsibility for our own feelings and relationships, and allow the person the chance to correct their own behavior.

Being slow to anger takes time, practice, and patience, but it can be done!  Just remember to ask yourself some simple questions when you feel your anger rising!

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Quick to Listen

“Each of you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19 NIV)

What if everyone around us followed the advice and lifestyle presented in the Bible? What would our world be like? It would definitely be a safer, more reliable, more peaceful world. What if married people simply followed the verse above? What would the outcome be?

The first section of the verse states that we are to be quick to listen. Sounds easy enough, but in reality (and based on the people who come in for counseling) it seems to be very difficult. Why? I have a guess at several reasons. One is that people think they are listening when in fact they are not. Another is that people do not really understand what listening is.

When a couple engages in a conversation, the conversation will often get heated very quickly. Both spouses wish that the other spouse would pause to see their point of view, and usually they both feel that the other spouse is trying to push his or her view on them. While they may think they are listening to the other spouse, that is not getting across. Many of us believe that listening involves actively thinking of a response or reaction. Listening does not. Listening does not imply agreement or disagreement. Listening does not require the giving of advice, nor does it imply judgment. Listening only requires that the listener seek to understand the speaker.

Let’s look at an example of an exchange between a couple who listens like most of America, and an example of an exchange between a couple who actually know how to listen.

Female: I could sure use some help around this house!

Male: What ELSE do you want out of me??? I work all day with that jerk I have for a boss, I come home to a dirty house, I pick up a few things, and I know YOU haven’t been doing ANYthing all day, because all you have to do is keep the house clean for me when I come home!!!

Female: You’re such a self-centered jerk! You make messes around here, too! Do you know how hard it is to keep a house clean with toddlers hanging all over you??

Male: Set some boundaries with them, then! You never discipline your kids! Gosh, you’re so lazy!

Female: I’M LAZY??? What about you? All you do is come home and watch TV for 4 hours. You NEVER help me out!

Now here’s an exchange from a couple who knows how to listen.

Female: I could sure use some help around this house!

Male: You seem pretty upset about the house.

Female: Yeah! I want to create a good, clean home for you and the kids, and I can never seem to measure up.

Male: You seem frustrated with yourself for not being able to keep the house as clean as you’d like.

Female: Yeah. I get really frustrated, and I hope you know that even if the house isn’t spotless, I love you anyway, and I’ve been working pretty much all day trying to keep it neat and clean. It’s really hard to do that with two toddlers running around!

Male: It’s hard to keep the house clean while watching two little ones, and just because the house isn’t spotless doesn’t mean you love me less. You try really hard.

Female: I’m so glad you understand. Do you have any suggestions?

In the first scenario, both the male and female HEARD what the other said, but they did not listen for understanding. Because of this, their conversation quickly escalated out of control into an all-out war. The relationship suffered, and they were definitely not headed in a direction of intimacy.

In the second scenario, the male listened with the intent to understand. In the end, both felt more comfortable and increased their level of intimacy. At the end of the conversation the female opened up to listen to advice from the male. Now both hearts are open, both are listening, and both are focused on solving the problem at hand, not on bashing the other.

Just tweaking little things in your marriage can make a HUGE difference. Try listening to understand for just one week and see how your marriage changes for the better!

Slow To Speak

James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”

Why should we be slow to speak? In our culture, isn’t it better to be quick-witted? Aren’t we trained to have the best and quickest comeback? Sure, in jest and in light social situations, it’s fun to have quick comebacks and witty comments. But in deeper relationships, sometimes our desire to speak quickly can make our relationships suffer.

If we would slow down our interactions with each other in our deepest and most emotionally intimate relationships, we might see that those relationships become much more satisfying. When we are quick to speak, we often miss what the other person is saying, either in word or in tone or body language.

Quick speakers often get the reputation of being emotional steamrollers. Most of the time quick speakers are just trying to get a problem solved as quickly as possible, but many times it’s not so much a problem to be solved as it is a problem to be discerned, then solved. Many times a quick speaker can rob the other person of the chance to solve the problem for him or herself, thus robbing them of a learning opportunity. Sometimes, simply stopping ourselves from speaking too quickly can lead the other person to give us vital information to what is going on inside them, thus giving us a discernment of the actual problem.

Being slow to speak implies being quick to listen. I like how James puts both of these together in this verse, basically reminding us twice to do the exact same thing. I’ve written more about being quick to listen in the August Mental Health Moment.

In short, being slow to speak can help us have much more fulfilling relationships and much more efficient problem solving. God makes a whole lot of sense. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone followed His plan for life?