Getting Through the “Christmastime Crazies”

Have you noticed how life seems to get more and more crazy the closer you get to Christmas? Here are some suggestions for getting through this crazy season and keeping your sanity and family together!

1. Pick two to three traditions that will be special to your family. Traditions are wonderful things that help establish the identity and uniqueness of each family. Unfortunately retailers, amusements, attractions, friends, Sunday Schools, churches, and other outsiders want your family to feel obligated by tradition to go to their events every year. Picking two to three traditions for your family will help you to keep your focus, decrease your stress, and drastically reduce your busy-ness. You will still have special times that are unique to your family, but you will not become overwhelmed with obligations simply because tradition says you must continue.

2. Discuss your plans with extended family before the holidays arrive. Many stressful situations occur when families have different ideas of what to expect during the holidays. When will everyone get together? Who is responsible for bringing food? How much are we spending on each other this year? Are we buying gifts for everyone, or are we drawing names? Answering these questions beforehand can make life more bearable for everyone!

3. Learn to say “NO”. Many people do not believe that it is okay to tell someone that they cannot do something or will not do something, even when what they have been asked to do negatively affects those most precious to them. For example, a mom who is already stressed out is asked to take four hours out of her day to collect, sort, and label coats for the food closet. This was sprung on the mom at the last minute, and the mom reluctantly agrees, knowing that doing this will make her late picking up the kids from school, which will stress her out. Because she’s late picking up the kids, she gets behind schedule getting them ready for their traditional night out at Dollywood enjoying the lights and shows. They arrive at Dollywood just in time to stand in line for Babes in Toyland. After standing in line for an hour and a half, they get close to the door and realize that there are too many people and they are not going to make it inside for this show, which is the last show of the night. The mom, dad, and kids are all disappointed and cold (it’s cold at night in December, and the line at Dollywood for this show wraps around several outdoor attractions). The planning that the mom put into this trip was wasted, and the tradition was somewhat spoiled. Saying no to extraneous or last-minute “obligations” can let your family know that they are your priority, and it can let those “obligations” know that if they want your time, they need to ask you for it in a timely, courteous, non-threatening, and hassle-free manner.*

4. Refine your gift list. Especially this year, with the economy being so out of whack, it’s a good idea to refine your gift list. Do you really need to give the trash collector a $30 gift? The mailperson? The UPS or FEDEX delivery people? What about Uncle Larry in Arkansas? Would he appreciate a funny letter rather than an expensive gift? Making a budget and prioritizing who gets the best and who gets the leftovers is a great way to reduce your stress. Just because you feel obligated to give a gift doesn’t mean you are obligated to. Many times people would rather have a nice card with a personal note written on it than a brand new Christmas sweater that they’ll feel obligated to wear next year anyway.

5. Shop with cash. Set up a budget, get some envelopes, write your recipients’ name on one envelope each, stash the appropriate amount of cash (according to the budget and the priority of the recipient) in each envelope, and shop away. When you’re shopping, pay for each recipient out of their envelope. It’s okay to make several payment transactions at the same store for different recipients. Make sure to put the change back in that recipient’s envelope. When you run out of cash in each envelope, you are finished shopping for that individual. Do not allow yourself to make loans from one envelope to the other. This will help you stay on budget, remain fair, and keep you from feeling guilty because you spent more on one person than you did another.

6. Worship. Spend some time reflecting on what Christmas really is. Christmas is celebrated because God left His throne where He was being worshipped at ALL times, wrapped Himself in flesh, and allowed Himself to be born as a human in a barn. He left glory for humiliation for the sake of saving His children from an eternity without Him. When you think about gifts, think of this one, and remember to thank Him for His glorious sacrifice and for saving your life!

These are six easy strategies to keep yourself and your family sane, safe, and on budget this Christmas. Remember to enjoy these holy days and focus on the One who made them holy.

*This is not to say that helping in a food closet is a waste of time or energy. If one of your traditions that you choose is to help others, it is perfectly fine to do so. If the decision to work the food closet was made because you feel obligated to, then you might want to reconsider your decision. Cheerful givers are often more pleasant than resentful or stressed-out givers.

Is it True That God Will Not Allow Me to Face Something Beyond What I Can Bear?

1 Cor 10:13: No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Every now and then a client will come in to my office and tell me that the Bible says that God will not allow them to face a trial that he or she cannot bear. This is absolutely not what the Bible says! The actual verse that they are referring to, 1 Corinthians 10:13, states that God will not allow us to be TEMPTED beyond what we can bear. Those are two different things entirely.

The way many people interpret this verse implies that people do not need God other than for Him to be their personal gatekeeper and judge of what they can bear. In reality, God often has us face insurmountable circumstances in order to draw us into a deeper dependence on Him, to glorify Him, to allow Him to teach us something, to allow us to be able to have a deeper compassion for others, or for myriad other reasons. The point is that He DOES allow us to face circumstances beyond what we can bear alone, but there is no circumstance that is bigger than what He can bear. If we depend on Him and allow Him to work in our lives, we can overcome anything!

If we take a look at Job, we can get pretty clear idea that this is true. Job was a man of God. He routinely made sacrifices to the Lord both for himself and for his own children. God and Satan had a talk, and because Job had such faith, God recommended that Satan take a look at him. Satan attacked. Job lost all his cattle (his means of making money), his camels (his means of transportation and also making money), and all his children (his heart). All that was left was his wife, a few friends, his relationship with God, and his health. Satan attacked again and took his health. Now, if ever there was a hopeless situation, Job faced it! Is this situation beyond what Job could have borne? I believe it was. He was left with nothing, and after a long struggle in his faith, he grew tremendously, learned great lessons from the Lord, and everything he lost was restored two-fold. In this example from the old testament, we see that God really does allow us to face trials that are beyond what we can bear!

This verse, however, is actually speaking of temptation. God is in control, and although He does not tempt us (that would be against His holy and righteous nature), He provides alternative ways out of temptations other than simply caving in to the temptation.

One way to look at temptation is through the lens of Patrick Carnes’ Addiction Cycle. Carnes states that our addictions come from family wounds, which lead us to feel shame. In order to rid ourselves of that feeling of shame, we fantasize about what we could do to remove that shame. We dwell on getting rid of the pain of shame and our minds become preoccupied with the notion that whatever substance we choose will rid us of our shame. The phase in the cycle is ritual. This is where we obtain our substance of choice and get ourselves ready to indulge. We might buy from the same person, go to the same website, set up our room in a certain way, travel to the place where we normally indulge, all to get ready to fully indulge ourselves in our temptation. The next step is acting out, which is using the substance or going through with the behavior. Our shame is usually satisfied, FOR A LITTLE WHILE. Then the final step occurs. It is the step of despair. This stage involves feeling the shame again, knowing that our indulgence didn’t work out the way we wanted it to, and an overall bad feeling. The cycle begins again when we begin fantasizing again about what we can do to get rid of the feeling of despair. Carnes’ Cycle of Addiction looks like this:

Why would I bring up the cycle of addiction when I speak about temptation? Every one of us is addicted to sin, and Satan tempts us with sin all the time. Knowing that we face this cycle every time we are faced with temptation can help us to overcome our temptation.

God can intervene at any point in the cycle of addiction. He can help you to forgive your family wounds and get rid of them. He can remove your shame. He can refocus your mind to keep you from fantasizing that your temptation will solve all your problems. He can intervene and prevent you from obtaining whatever it is that tempts you. He can remove your opportunities to use, indulge, or give in to your temptation. He can move you from despair to hope. He can do all of this, but we have to allow Him to. If we expect God to help us overcome our temptations, it’s time to figure out where we are in the cycle of sin and ask Him to intervene there. Then we can ask Him to intervene and free us from the family wounds and shame that led us to be tempted in the first place!

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Slow to Become Angry

“Each of you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19 NIV)

Again, this verse has much to say to us.  We have already looked at how being quick to listen and slow to speak can help us.  Now it’s time to look at how being slow to become angry can be accomplished in our daily lives, and how this can help us in our daily relationships.

Anger in itself is not a bad thing.  It is not a sin to become angry.  If it were a sin, then Jesus would not be sinless.  He became angry when He was in the temple and saw the money changers and people selling sacrificial animals in the courtyard.  A calm man does not fashion a whip, overturn tables, and call people names!

So if anger is not a sin, why is it referred to so much in scripture?  We often become angry for the wrong reasons.  People who are described as having a temper, being a “hot head”, and blowing up over the littlest thing are considered people who are quick to anger.  Their anger has taken control of them and is probably destroying their relationships.  Because our God is a God of relationship, He warns us against being a “hothead”.

How can we practically be slow to anger?  First we must “take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)  Know what you’re thinking.  What are the actual thoughts that are going through your mind?

Second, ask some questions:

1. Are my thoughts based on fact? 

2. Do these thoughts help me achieve my goals?

3. Do these thoughts help me feel the way I want to feel?

4. Do I have any control over this situation?

If your thoughts do not pass any of the four questions listed above, throw out your thought and replace it with one that passes them all.

Here’s an example:

Original thought: She makes me so mad when she smacks her gum because I know she does it on purpose and she’s just out to get me and drive me crazy!  If I said something about it, though, she’d just ignore me or laugh at me.

Question #1:  Is my thinking based on fact? No.  First of all, no one can MAKE me feel anything; it’s what I THINK about what is happening that determines how I feel.  Also, I don’t really know if she wants to drive me crazy.  That’s an assumption (unless she has specifically told me that).  It’s also an assumption to guess at her behavior if I said something.  So to rephrase the thought I will say, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum.  If I say something about it, I might feel embarrassed or hurt.”

New Thought After Question #1: “I feel angry when she smacks her gum.  If I say something about it, I might feel embarrassed or hurt.”

Question #2 (based on the new thought above): Does this thinking help me achieve my goals? No.  If my goal is to rectify the problem, this thought helps me to slink away.  My new thought will be, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her.”

New Thought After Questions 1 & 2:“I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her.”

Question #3 (based on the new thought above): Does my thinking help me feel the way I want to feel?  Possibly, but I could add a little more and help myself feel even more empowered.  My new thought will be, “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her. She may not know that this behavior is annoying, and I have the chance to help her out with her relationship with me and others around her who are too scared to say anything to her about it.”

New Thought After Questions 1-3: “I feel angry when she smacks her gum. If I say something, I have a better chance of fixing the problem than if I don’t say something to her. She may not know that this behavior is annoying, and I have the chance to help her out with her relationship with me and others around her who are too scared to say anything to her about it.”

Question #4: Do I have control over this situation? No.  I cannot change another person’s behavior.  I cannot control anything other than myself.  Because I cannot MAKE her to quit smacking her gum, it does no good to become angry.  Politely asking her to stop would probably help me maintain all my goals in this relationship.

If we worked off the original thought, we would likely still be angry six months from now and would probably act in a passive-aggressive manner (i.e. loud sighs when she pops in a piece of gum, using sarcasm, grunting or growling, complaining about people who smack their gum, etc…) or just let our temper show.  Using the new thoughts, we become assertive, take responsibility for our own feelings and relationships, and allow the person the chance to correct their own behavior.

Being slow to anger takes time, practice, and patience, but it can be done!  Just remember to ask yourself some simple questions when you feel your anger rising!

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Technorati Tags: James 1:19,Mental Health Moment,October 2009

Quick to Listen

“Each of you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19 NIV)

What if everyone around us followed the advice and lifestyle presented in the Bible? What would our world be like? It would definitely be a safer, more reliable, more peaceful world. What if married people simply followed the verse above? What would the outcome be?

The first section of the verse states that we are to be quick to listen. Sounds easy enough, but in reality (and based on the people who come in for counseling) it seems to be very difficult. Why? I have a guess at several reasons. One is that people think they are listening when in fact they are not. Another is that people do not really understand what listening is.

When a couple engages in a conversation, the conversation will often get heated very quickly. Both spouses wish that the other spouse would pause to see their point of view, and usually they both feel that the other spouse is trying to push his or her view on them. While they may think they are listening to the other spouse, that is not getting across. Many of us believe that listening involves actively thinking of a response or reaction. Listening does not. Listening does not imply agreement or disagreement. Listening does not require the giving of advice, nor does it imply judgment. Listening only requires that the listener seek to understand the speaker.

Let’s look at an example of an exchange between a couple who listens like most of America, and an example of an exchange between a couple who actually know how to listen.

Female: I could sure use some help around this house!

Male: What ELSE do you want out of me??? I work all day with that jerk I have for a boss, I come home to a dirty house, I pick up a few things, and I know YOU haven’t been doing ANYthing all day, because all you have to do is keep the house clean for me when I come home!!!

Female: You’re such a self-centered jerk! You make messes around here, too! Do you know how hard it is to keep a house clean with toddlers hanging all over you??

Male: Set some boundaries with them, then! You never discipline your kids! Gosh, you’re so lazy!

Female: I’M LAZY??? What about you? All you do is come home and watch TV for 4 hours. You NEVER help me out!

Now here’s an exchange from a couple who knows how to listen.

Female: I could sure use some help around this house!

Male: You seem pretty upset about the house.

Female: Yeah! I want to create a good, clean home for you and the kids, and I can never seem to measure up.

Male: You seem frustrated with yourself for not being able to keep the house as clean as you’d like.

Female: Yeah. I get really frustrated, and I hope you know that even if the house isn’t spotless, I love you anyway, and I’ve been working pretty much all day trying to keep it neat and clean. It’s really hard to do that with two toddlers running around!

Male: It’s hard to keep the house clean while watching two little ones, and just because the house isn’t spotless doesn’t mean you love me less. You try really hard.

Female: I’m so glad you understand. Do you have any suggestions?

In the first scenario, both the male and female HEARD what the other said, but they did not listen for understanding. Because of this, their conversation quickly escalated out of control into an all-out war. The relationship suffered, and they were definitely not headed in a direction of intimacy.

In the second scenario, the male listened with the intent to understand. In the end, both felt more comfortable and increased their level of intimacy. At the end of the conversation the female opened up to listen to advice from the male. Now both hearts are open, both are listening, and both are focused on solving the problem at hand, not on bashing the other.

Just tweaking little things in your marriage can make a HUGE difference. Try listening to understand for just one week and see how your marriage changes for the better!

Slow To Speak

James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”

Why should we be slow to speak? In our culture, isn’t it better to be quick-witted? Aren’t we trained to have the best and quickest comeback? Sure, in jest and in light social situations, it’s fun to have quick comebacks and witty comments. But in deeper relationships, sometimes our desire to speak quickly can make our relationships suffer.

If we would slow down our interactions with each other in our deepest and most emotionally intimate relationships, we might see that those relationships become much more satisfying. When we are quick to speak, we often miss what the other person is saying, either in word or in tone or body language.

Quick speakers often get the reputation of being emotional steamrollers. Most of the time quick speakers are just trying to get a problem solved as quickly as possible, but many times it’s not so much a problem to be solved as it is a problem to be discerned, then solved. Many times a quick speaker can rob the other person of the chance to solve the problem for him or herself, thus robbing them of a learning opportunity. Sometimes, simply stopping ourselves from speaking too quickly can lead the other person to give us vital information to what is going on inside them, thus giving us a discernment of the actual problem.

Being slow to speak implies being quick to listen. I like how James puts both of these together in this verse, basically reminding us twice to do the exact same thing. I’ve written more about being quick to listen in the August Mental Health Moment.

In short, being slow to speak can help us have much more fulfilling relationships and much more efficient problem solving. God makes a whole lot of sense. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone followed His plan for life?

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I expect at my first counseling session?
What should I expect at the following sessions?
How long does a session last?
When can I expect to start feeling better?
How often will my counselor want to see me?
How will I know when I’m done with counseling?
I thought only crazy people and people who can’t handle life are the only people who need counseling. Why should I come to counseling?
How much does counseling cost?
How can I get the most out of my counseling sessions?
Will I have access to my counselor during the week?
Are there any limits to confidentiality?
Where is New Pathways Counseling located?


What should I expect at my first counseling session?

On your first visit, your counselor will greet you and hand you about 5 minutes worth of paperwork. These are the documents showing the counselor’s credentials, fees, privacy policy, and other business related information. After filling out the paperwork, the counselor will bring you inside the counseling room, make sure you are comfortable, explain a few more things about the business side, answer any questions you may have, and then ask you a few questions to get to know you. The counselor is very interested in hearing your story, so this is a good time to begin telling your story. The counselor may ask some questions while you are telling your story to clarify what you are saying. As the session ends, you and the counselor will determine roughly three goals that you have for counseling. The counselor here at New Pathways Counseling often ends the session with a prayer. You have every right to refuse prayer if you are uncomfortable with it. After that, the counselor will schedule your next appointment and take your payment.

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What should I expect at the following sessions?

Your counselor will use the goals you set in the first session to set up a plan of action to meet those goals. You may ask the counselor what the treatment plan is. The counselor will often ask you what is going on in your life or which goal you would like to work on. Sometimes you will do more talking, and sometimes the counselor will teach a new skill depending on what is going on with you. You will work on your goals for about 40 minutes, and then the counselor will wrap up the session, possibly give you some self-help assignments to do during the week, pray, schedule your next appointment, and take your payment.

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How long does a session last?

A session usually lasts anywhere from 50 to 90 minutes depending on the client and the content of the session.

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When can I expect to start feeling better?

Results from counseling are based on the individual, but if you complete the self-help assignments and you put a lot of effort into your mental health, you can expect to start feeling better in as few as four weeks.

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How often will my counselor want to see me?

In the beginning your counselor will want to see you once a week. When your goals are met, your counselor will spread that out over two, three, or even four weeks to make sure your goals and life changes remain met.

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How will I know when I’m done with counseling?

When your initial goals are met or are close to being met, the counselor will ask you how you think counseling is going and if you have any other goals you would like to work on. If you believe that your goals have been met and the counselor agrees, the counselor will often schedule a few maintenance or check-up appointments several weeks out to make sure you are still doing well. As long as the changes you have made continue to work for you and you believe you are doing well with few setbacks, the counseling relationship can be put on hold. Because humans are always growing, the door to the counselor’s office is always open if you have any other goals that you would like to meet.

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I thought only crazy people and people who can’t handle life are the only people who need counseling. Why should I come to counseling?

Most people who come to counseling are regular people with regular problems or regular goals. If you want support, guidance, skills, or steps you can take to meet your goals, counseling is for you. If you know you have some things from your past that are holding you back from reaching your true potential, counseling is for you. If you want your marriage to be better and more satisfying for you and your spouse, counseling is for you. One counselor once said, “Counseling is like indoor plumbing. You can live without it, but why would you want to?”

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How much does counseling cost?

At New Pathways Counseling, sessions are $80 for a 50 minute session. Many insurance companies will cover counseling, and it is known in insurance circles as “outpatient behavioral health.” Check with your insurance company to see what your benefits are. Many Sevier County residents are uninsured and cannot afford $80 a week. For those clients New Pathways Counseling offers a sliding scale that is based on the client’s gross monthly income and the number of dependents the client claims on their taxes. This scale gives a discount off the $80 and ranges from $40-$80.

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How can I get the most out of my counseling sessions?

Your counselor will often give self-help assignments for you to complete during the week. Work on those assignments and bring them in with questions. Be active and take charge of your progress. If you are excited about the changes you want to make, you will have much better success and make much progress. Schedule in a time each day (usually around 15 minutes) to practice what your counselor is teaching you. Take notes in session if you have difficulty remembering what was taught or discussed. Journal or write things down so that you can remember them and bring them up in session. Jot down questions or topics you would like to discuss with your counselor as they come up during the week, and bring them in.

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Will I have access to my counselor during the week?

If you have an emergency, call 911. If you have an issue that you need to discuss with your counselor but is non-emergent, it is best to wait until your appointment time. If you call your counselor and seek counseling advice between appointment times, you will be charged based on the $80 counseling hour. The first 15 minutes are free, but after that charges will accrue in 5 minute segments. For example, if your call lasts 15 minutes and 1 second, you will be charged $20 (15 minutes/60 minutes = .25; .25 x $80 per hour= $20). If your call lasts 20 minutes, you would be charged $26.67. Because this is an unexpected or after hours call, the sliding scale does not apply. If you are simply calling to make, change, or cancel an appointment, these charges will not apply, as those calls usually last roughly 3 minutes at the most.

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Are there any limits to confidentiality?

Yes. If you are GOING to hurt yourself or someone else, the counselor is required by law to inform that person and law enforcement of your intent. If current child abuse, elder abuse, or abuse of a mentally incapacitated person is reported, the counselor is obligated by law to report those cases to law enforcement. The counselor-client relationship in the state of Tennessee is protected in the same manner as the attorney-client privilege. Therefore, the counselor will not testify for or against the client or release any information to anyone other than in the above mentioned cases unless the client (or the client’s legal guardian) has first signed a statement stating what is to be released and to whom.

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Where is New Pathways Counseling located?

New Pathways Counseling (NPC) is located at 1110 Oak Cluster Drive, Suite 4, Sevierville, TN 37862. From Veterans Boulevard in Sevierville, turn onto Middle Creek Road. Turn onto Ernest McMahan Road. Go up the hill, and at the bottom of the hill you will see Oak Cluster Center on your right. New Pathways Counseling is located in the back corner of the first building on your right. You will probably feel like you are coming into the back door of the office, but it is the only door into or out of the office.


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