Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Quick to Listen

“Each of you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19 NIV)

What if everyone around us followed the advice and lifestyle presented in the Bible? What would our world be like? It would definitely be a safer, more reliable, more peaceful world. What if married people simply followed the verse above? What would the outcome be?

The first section of the verse states that we are to be quick to listen. Sounds easy enough, but in reality (and based on the people who come in for counseling) it seems to be very difficult. Why? I have a guess at several reasons. One is that people think they are listening when in fact they are not. Another is that people do not really understand what listening is.

When a couple engages in a conversation, the conversation will often get heated very quickly. Both spouses wish that the other spouse would pause to see their point of view, and usually they both feel that the other spouse is trying to push his or her view on them. While they may think they are listening to the other spouse, that is not getting across. Many of us believe that listening involves actively thinking of a response or reaction. Listening does not. Listening does not imply agreement or disagreement. Listening does not require the giving of advice, nor does it imply judgment. Listening only requires that the listener seek to understand the speaker.

Let’s look at an example of an exchange between a couple who listens like most of America, and an example of an exchange between a couple who actually know how to listen.

Female: I could sure use some help around this house!

Male: What ELSE do you want out of me??? I work all day with that jerk I have for a boss, I come home to a dirty house, I pick up a few things, and I know YOU haven’t been doing ANYthing all day, because all you have to do is keep the house clean for me when I come home!!!

Female: You’re such a self-centered jerk! You make messes around here, too! Do you know how hard it is to keep a house clean with toddlers hanging all over you??

Male: Set some boundaries with them, then! You never discipline your kids! Gosh, you’re so lazy!

Female: I’M LAZY??? What about you? All you do is come home and watch TV for 4 hours. You NEVER help me out!

Now here’s an exchange from a couple who knows how to listen.

Female: I could sure use some help around this house!

Male: You seem pretty upset about the house.

Female: Yeah! I want to create a good, clean home for you and the kids, and I can never seem to measure up.

Male: You seem frustrated with yourself for not being able to keep the house as clean as you’d like.

Female: Yeah. I get really frustrated, and I hope you know that even if the house isn’t spotless, I love you anyway, and I’ve been working pretty much all day trying to keep it neat and clean. It’s really hard to do that with two toddlers running around!

Male: It’s hard to keep the house clean while watching two little ones, and just because the house isn’t spotless doesn’t mean you love me less. You try really hard.

Female: I’m so glad you understand. Do you have any suggestions?

In the first scenario, both the male and female HEARD what the other said, but they did not listen for understanding. Because of this, their conversation quickly escalated out of control into an all-out war. The relationship suffered, and they were definitely not headed in a direction of intimacy.

In the second scenario, the male listened with the intent to understand. In the end, both felt more comfortable and increased their level of intimacy. At the end of the conversation the female opened up to listen to advice from the male. Now both hearts are open, both are listening, and both are focused on solving the problem at hand, not on bashing the other.

Just tweaking little things in your marriage can make a HUGE difference. Try listening to understand for just one week and see how your marriage changes for the better!

Slow To Speak

James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”

Why should we be slow to speak? In our culture, isn’t it better to be quick-witted? Aren’t we trained to have the best and quickest comeback? Sure, in jest and in light social situations, it’s fun to have quick comebacks and witty comments. But in deeper relationships, sometimes our desire to speak quickly can make our relationships suffer.

If we would slow down our interactions with each other in our deepest and most emotionally intimate relationships, we might see that those relationships become much more satisfying. When we are quick to speak, we often miss what the other person is saying, either in word or in tone or body language.

Quick speakers often get the reputation of being emotional steamrollers. Most of the time quick speakers are just trying to get a problem solved as quickly as possible, but many times it’s not so much a problem to be solved as it is a problem to be discerned, then solved. Many times a quick speaker can rob the other person of the chance to solve the problem for him or herself, thus robbing them of a learning opportunity. Sometimes, simply stopping ourselves from speaking too quickly can lead the other person to give us vital information to what is going on inside them, thus giving us a discernment of the actual problem.

Being slow to speak implies being quick to listen. I like how James puts both of these together in this verse, basically reminding us twice to do the exact same thing. I’ve written more about being quick to listen in the August Mental Health Moment.

In short, being slow to speak can help us have much more fulfilling relationships and much more efficient problem solving. God makes a whole lot of sense. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone followed His plan for life?

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I expect at my first counseling session?
What should I expect at the following sessions?
How long does a session last?
When can I expect to start feeling better?
How often will my counselor want to see me?
How will I know when I’m done with counseling?
I thought only crazy people and people who can’t handle life are the only people who need counseling. Why should I come to counseling?
How much does counseling cost?
How can I get the most out of my counseling sessions?
Will I have access to my counselor during the week?
Are there any limits to confidentiality?
Where is New Pathways Counseling located?


What should I expect at my first counseling session?

On your first visit, your counselor will greet you and hand you about 5 minutes worth of paperwork. These are the documents showing the counselor’s credentials, fees, privacy policy, and other business related information. After filling out the paperwork, the counselor will bring you inside the counseling room, make sure you are comfortable, explain a few more things about the business side, answer any questions you may have, and then ask you a few questions to get to know you. The counselor is very interested in hearing your story, so this is a good time to begin telling your story. The counselor may ask some questions while you are telling your story to clarify what you are saying. As the session ends, you and the counselor will determine roughly three goals that you have for counseling. The counselor here at New Pathways Counseling often ends the session with a prayer. You have every right to refuse prayer if you are uncomfortable with it. After that, the counselor will schedule your next appointment and take your payment.

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What should I expect at the following sessions?

Your counselor will use the goals you set in the first session to set up a plan of action to meet those goals. You may ask the counselor what the treatment plan is. The counselor will often ask you what is going on in your life or which goal you would like to work on. Sometimes you will do more talking, and sometimes the counselor will teach a new skill depending on what is going on with you. You will work on your goals for about 40 minutes, and then the counselor will wrap up the session, possibly give you some self-help assignments to do during the week, pray, schedule your next appointment, and take your payment.

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How long does a session last?

A session usually lasts anywhere from 50 to 90 minutes depending on the client and the content of the session.

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When can I expect to start feeling better?

Results from counseling are based on the individual, but if you complete the self-help assignments and you put a lot of effort into your mental health, you can expect to start feeling better in as few as four weeks.

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How often will my counselor want to see me?

In the beginning your counselor will want to see you once a week. When your goals are met, your counselor will spread that out over two, three, or even four weeks to make sure your goals and life changes remain met.

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How will I know when I’m done with counseling?

When your initial goals are met or are close to being met, the counselor will ask you how you think counseling is going and if you have any other goals you would like to work on. If you believe that your goals have been met and the counselor agrees, the counselor will often schedule a few maintenance or check-up appointments several weeks out to make sure you are still doing well. As long as the changes you have made continue to work for you and you believe you are doing well with few setbacks, the counseling relationship can be put on hold. Because humans are always growing, the door to the counselor’s office is always open if you have any other goals that you would like to meet.

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I thought only crazy people and people who can’t handle life are the only people who need counseling. Why should I come to counseling?

Most people who come to counseling are regular people with regular problems or regular goals. If you want support, guidance, skills, or steps you can take to meet your goals, counseling is for you. If you know you have some things from your past that are holding you back from reaching your true potential, counseling is for you. If you want your marriage to be better and more satisfying for you and your spouse, counseling is for you. One counselor once said, “Counseling is like indoor plumbing. You can live without it, but why would you want to?”

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How much does counseling cost?

At New Pathways Counseling, sessions are $80 for a 50 minute session. Many insurance companies will cover counseling, and it is known in insurance circles as “outpatient behavioral health.” Check with your insurance company to see what your benefits are. Many Sevier County residents are uninsured and cannot afford $80 a week. For those clients New Pathways Counseling offers a sliding scale that is based on the client’s gross monthly income and the number of dependents the client claims on their taxes. This scale gives a discount off the $80 and ranges from $40-$80.

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How can I get the most out of my counseling sessions?

Your counselor will often give self-help assignments for you to complete during the week. Work on those assignments and bring them in with questions. Be active and take charge of your progress. If you are excited about the changes you want to make, you will have much better success and make much progress. Schedule in a time each day (usually around 15 minutes) to practice what your counselor is teaching you. Take notes in session if you have difficulty remembering what was taught or discussed. Journal or write things down so that you can remember them and bring them up in session. Jot down questions or topics you would like to discuss with your counselor as they come up during the week, and bring them in.

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Will I have access to my counselor during the week?

If you have an emergency, call 911. If you have an issue that you need to discuss with your counselor but is non-emergent, it is best to wait until your appointment time. If you call your counselor and seek counseling advice between appointment times, you will be charged based on the $80 counseling hour. The first 15 minutes are free, but after that charges will accrue in 5 minute segments. For example, if your call lasts 15 minutes and 1 second, you will be charged $20 (15 minutes/60 minutes = .25; .25 x $80 per hour= $20). If your call lasts 20 minutes, you would be charged $26.67. Because this is an unexpected or after hours call, the sliding scale does not apply. If you are simply calling to make, change, or cancel an appointment, these charges will not apply, as those calls usually last roughly 3 minutes at the most.

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Are there any limits to confidentiality?

Yes. If you are GOING to hurt yourself or someone else, the counselor is required by law to inform that person and law enforcement of your intent. If current child abuse, elder abuse, or abuse of a mentally incapacitated person is reported, the counselor is obligated by law to report those cases to law enforcement. The counselor-client relationship in the state of Tennessee is protected in the same manner as the attorney-client privilege. Therefore, the counselor will not testify for or against the client or release any information to anyone other than in the above mentioned cases unless the client (or the client’s legal guardian) has first signed a statement stating what is to be released and to whom.

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Where is New Pathways Counseling located?

New Pathways Counseling (NPC) is located at 1110 Oak Cluster Drive, Suite 4, Sevierville, TN 37862. From Veterans Boulevard in Sevierville, turn onto Middle Creek Road. Turn onto Ernest McMahan Road. Go up the hill, and at the bottom of the hill you will see Oak Cluster Center on your right. New Pathways Counseling is located in the back corner of the first building on your right. You will probably feel like you are coming into the back door of the office, but it is the only door into or out of the office.


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