“Each of you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19 NIV)
What if everyone around us followed the advice and lifestyle presented in the Bible? What would our world be like? It would definitely be a safer, more reliable, more peaceful world. What if married people simply followed the verse above? What would the outcome be?
The first section of the verse states that we are to be quick to listen. Sounds easy enough, but in reality (and based on the people who come in for counseling) it seems to be very difficult. Why? I have a guess at several reasons. One is that people think they are listening when in fact they are not. Another is that people do not really understand what listening is.
When a couple engages in a conversation, the conversation will often get heated very quickly. Both spouses wish that the other spouse would pause to see their point of view, and usually they both feel that the other spouse is trying to push his or her view on them. While they may think they are listening to the other spouse, that is not getting across. Many of us believe that listening involves actively thinking of a response or reaction. Listening does not. Listening does not imply agreement or disagreement. Listening does not require the giving of advice, nor does it imply judgment. Listening only requires that the listener seek to understand the speaker.
Let’s look at an example of an exchange between a couple who listens like most of America, and an example of an exchange between a couple who actually know how to listen.
Female: I could sure use some help around this house!
Male: What ELSE do you want out of me??? I work all day with that jerk I have for a boss, I come home to a dirty house, I pick up a few things, and I know YOU haven’t been doing ANYthing all day, because all you have to do is keep the house clean for me when I come home!!!
Female: You’re such a self-centered jerk! You make messes around here, too! Do you know how hard it is to keep a house clean with toddlers hanging all over you??
Male: Set some boundaries with them, then! You never discipline your kids! Gosh, you’re so lazy!
Female: I’M LAZY??? What about you? All you do is come home and watch TV for 4 hours. You NEVER help me out!
Now here’s an exchange from a couple who knows how to listen.
Female: I could sure use some help around this house!
Male: You seem pretty upset about the house.
Female: Yeah! I want to create a good, clean home for you and the kids, and I can never seem to measure up.
Male: You seem frustrated with yourself for not being able to keep the house as clean as you’d like.
Female: Yeah. I get really frustrated, and I hope you know that even if the house isn’t spotless, I love you anyway, and I’ve been working pretty much all day trying to keep it neat and clean. It’s really hard to do that with two toddlers running around!
Male: It’s hard to keep the house clean while watching two little ones, and just because the house isn’t spotless doesn’t mean you love me less. You try really hard.
Female: I’m so glad you understand. Do you have any suggestions?
In the first scenario, both the male and female HEARD what the other said, but they did not listen for understanding. Because of this, their conversation quickly escalated out of control into an all-out war. The relationship suffered, and they were definitely not headed in a direction of intimacy.
In the second scenario, the male listened with the intent to understand. In the end, both felt more comfortable and increased their level of intimacy. At the end of the conversation the female opened up to listen to advice from the male. Now both hearts are open, both are listening, and both are focused on solving the problem at hand, not on bashing the other.
Just tweaking little things in your marriage can make a HUGE difference. Try listening to understand for just one week and see how your marriage changes for the better!
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