Look Out for Mental Mistakes!

Are you a procrastinator? A perfectionist? Prone to depressed thinking? Just a little “OCD”? Prone to panic, worry, or any other type of anxiety? Your problem may be that you are making some mental mistakes!

Dr. Aldo Pucci, the developer of Rational-Living Therapy, has identified 26 Common Mental Mistakes that most people make.  These mental mistakes are easily identified, and once they are understood, they are easily rectified.  Throughout the next few months I will be describing these Mental Mistakes, giving examples, and showing you what to do about them.

1. All or None Thinking:  All or none thinking is defined as “seeing no middle ground.”  This is often referred to as “Black or White thinking.”  People who think in terms of All or None often have difficulty with:

Procrastination -  “If I can’t get it all done in one sitting, I won’t do any of it.”

Perfectionism - “It’s not worth doing if I can’t do it perfectly.” “It’s not worth turning in if it’s not perfect.” “I’d rather take an F than turn in imperfect work.” “You either do the work completely or you don’t do it at all.”

Trying new things or staying with something they enjoy - “There is no use of me playing soccer if I can’t be on the USA’s World Cup soccer team.”

Marriage Issues - “You either love me or you don’t.” “The way I fold towels is the only way to do it correctly.”

Idealizing others - “He/she is perfect.”

Devaluing others - “He/she is absolutely terrible.”

Depression - “This situation is absolutely hopeless. There is no solution.” “Life is not worth living without _____.”

Dieting or Sobriety - “I indulged one time so I blew it.”


What to do:
1. REFUSE to think this way any longer.

2. Ask yourself if your statement is absolutely true all the time, or if there is some sort of gray area or continuum. Dr. Pucci states that most things in life are on a dimmer switch rather than a light switch.  What he is saying is that there are degrees in most things.

3. Replace your old thought with a new, rational thought.

4. Practice your new rational thought until it becomes your new habit.

For example:

Instead of thinking:	Think this:
“If I can’t get it all done in one sitting, I won’t do any of it.”	“If I can’t get all this done in one sitting, that’s okay. I will have less to do when I return to this project later.”
“It’s not worth doing if I can’t do it perfectly”	“There is value in learning from my mistakes. If I can’t do it perfectly, there is still value in doing it.”
“It’s not worth turning in if it’s not perfect. I’d rather take an F than turn in imperfect work.”	“I am a fallible human being. I can’t expect everything I do to be perfect. I would rather turn in imperfect work and pass this class than have to take this class over again because I failed to turn in an assignment”
“There is no use of me playing soccer if I can’t be on the USA’s World Cup soccer team.”	“Even if I don’t have the skills or talent for the USA national team, I can still learn a lot and enjoy myself by playing in my recreational league. If I enjoy soccer, I can play as long as possible.”
“You either love me or you don’t.”	“Some days your love for me will be stronger than other days.”
“The way I fold towels is the only way to do it correctly.”	“There are several ways to do many chores, and even if it’s not my way, it still gets done.”
“He/she is perfect.”	“He/she is a fallible human being with positive, negative, neutral qualities.”
“He/she is absolutely terrible.”	“He/she is a fallible human being with positive, negative, neutral qualities.”
“This situation is absolutely hopeless. There is no solution.”	“Just because I don’t see a solution doesn’t mean one does not exist.”
“Life is not worth living without _____.”	“My happiness does not depend on ____. I can have happy days and a satisfying life without ___.”
“I indulged one time so I blew it. I quit.”	“I indulged one time. I can learn from this so that I don’t do it again, and I can finish out the rest of today working on my goal of developing new and healthy habits.”

Removing All or None thinking can help to alleviate many problems.  How have you exhibited All or None thinking? What did you do about it?

Make a Plan!

Do you panic?  Do you have flashbacks that are difficult to control?  Do you have suicidal or depressive thoughts that lead you to situations that may not be in  your best interest?  One thing that helps many people in these situations is to have a written plan.

How do you do this?  While you are calm, think back to a time when you were panicking, suicidal, depressed, having flashbacks, or generally just behaving in a way that wasn’t working for you.  Think of some things that you could have done in that moment to snap yourself out of that thinking.  Think of things you could have done differently that would have led to less exposure to trauma, more structured or rational thinking, or even just a healthier response.  Write those things down on a 4x6 index card.

Now think of where you are when you experience those symptoms.  Put your index card in an easily accessible and visible place in the area where you are when you experience those symptoms.

For example, if you typically experience panic thoughts and symptoms while driving, make an index card plan and put it on your visor.  That way, when you begin to feel the thoughts and symptoms coming on, you can easily see that you have other options and you know what to do to stop those thoughts and symptoms before they overwhelm you.

Here is an example of what this could look like for someone who often panics while driving:

1. Find a parking lot and pull in.  If no lot is available, pull onto the shoulder.  If no shoulder is available, pull into a driveway or onto a side road with little traffic.

2. Take a few deep, calming breaths.

3. Assess thinking.

4. Apply the 3 rational questions.

5. Read over the list of replacement thoughts that are located on the opposite side of the visor.

6. Continue to breathe deeply, read the list, and apply the 3 rational questions until calm enough to drive safely.

Having a plan like this can make all the difference in a panic situation, and can calm the situation down much more quickly than just riding out the panic with no plan.  Take the time today to plan ahead and take care of yourself.  You are worth it!

Better Sleep

I recently had the opportunity to speak at Sevierville’s First United Methodist Church’s WINGS (Women Inspired, Nurtured, Growing Strong) weekend on getting better sleep.  Here are some of the tips I found and taught.

1. Getting better sleep improves your life.  When you sleep well, your mood, concentration, memory and immunity improve.  Your motor coordination also improves.  Studies have shown that sleep deprived drivers often exhibit similar qualities as drunk drivers.

2. Avoid nicotine before bed.  Smokers often go through withdrawal at night.

3. Avoid caffeine. Caffeine, a stimulant, stays in your system for roughly 8 hours. Even if you don’t think caffeine affects you, try cutting back or cutting it out completely for a week and see if your sleep improves.

4. Avoid alcohol close to bedtime. It usually takes about 1 hour per drink to completely metabolize alcohol.  Even though alcohol is a depressant, it has been known to disturb sleep.  Make sure you have enough time after drinking for your body to fully metabolize alcohol in order to get a good night’s sleep.

5. Create a sleepy environment.  Most people sleep best in a cool, dark, quiet place. Use your bedroom only for sleep and intimacy with your spouse in order to promote cues for relaxation rather than work or stress.  A comfortable pillow and mattress will promote better sleep by allowing you to stay asleep longer.  Turn off the television so that the commercials and noise won’t stimulate your mind (thereby keeping you awake or waking you after you have drifted off to sleep), and so the light from the television won’t interrupt your internal clock.

6. Exercise a minimum of 20-30 minutes each day. This exercise can be broken down into 5 minute segments throughout the day.  Make sure to finish exercise at least 3 hours before bedtime to allow time for your body temperature to drop to optimum levels.

7. Stop eating at least 2 hours before bedtime.

8. Finish all liquids at least 2 hours before bedtime to avoid nighttime toilet trips.

9. Develop a ritual. A nighttime routine can send cues to your brain to start releasing hormones that help you relax and sleep.

10. Get your worries under control. Practice your deep breathing, meditation, prayer, scripture reading, journaling, and progressive muscle relaxation to relax both your mind and your body, getting your worry off your mind so you can rest well.

Putting these simple tips into practice should improve your sleep considerably.  For more help on getting your worries under control, seek the advice of a professional who can provide a world of new skills and ideas that will work for you.

Writing…It’s Such Great Therapy!

Writing is probably the best free therapy around, other than talking to a trusted, wise friend.  Writing has so many benefits, it’s a wonder that more people don’t do it!  Why is writing so beneficial? 

1. Writing helps you forget.  Many people who come to counseling have a forgetting problem.  Something bad has happened to them, and they believe that they MUST remember it or it will happen again, or they won’t remember how bad the situation was when they need the emotional power that is triggered by remembering event, or they will cease to be the person they are today, or many other reasons.  Writing something down helps you get to a place where you can forget and let go.  One reason for this is the next benefit.

2. Writing helps you remember.  There are many things you need to remember, but most things do not need to clutter up your mind.  After you have written something down, you can go back to it to remember.  In much the same way as a shopping list works (i.e. you don’t have to keep repeating the list over and over in your mind and thus distracting yourself in the store), writing about emotional topics helps you release the responsibility of remembering but allows you to remember at appropriate times.  If you need to tap into the emotional energy that accompanies a certain event, all you have to do is turn to that page in your journal, and you’re right back there again.  When you need documentation of an event, you can always turn back to your journal for a more accurate picture than what your brain has allowed you to remember over time.  When you read the emotional journal entries you have written in the past, you remember just how good or bad something was at that time.

3. Writing is glorifying to God.  When you remember where you have been in your life, and you see how God has taken you out of those dark places, God is glorified.  When you share those experiences with others, God is glorified.  When you write now, you can look back in the future with this perspective.

4. Writing helps you discover who you are.  Looking back over your writings, you discover more about yourself than you really ever thought you would.  You will discover how you tend to react to things, who you tend to blame for the things that happen in your life, things that are important to you, your priorities, your hopes and dreams, how you deal with good and bad times, and how you have changed over time.  Writing helps you take a more objective look at yourself.

These are just four tiny benefits of writing.  What other benefits can you come up with?

Getting Through the “Christmastime Crazies”

Have you noticed how life seems to get more and more crazy the closer you get to Christmas? Here are some suggestions for getting through this crazy season and keeping your sanity and family together!

1. Pick two to three traditions that will be special to your family. Traditions are wonderful things that help establish the identity and uniqueness of each family. Unfortunately retailers, amusements, attractions, friends, Sunday Schools, churches, and other outsiders want your family to feel obligated by tradition to go to their events every year. Picking two to three traditions for your family will help you to keep your focus, decrease your stress, and drastically reduce your busy-ness. You will still have special times that are unique to your family, but you will not become overwhelmed with obligations simply because tradition says you must continue.

2. Discuss your plans with extended family before the holidays arrive. Many stressful situations occur when families have different ideas of what to expect during the holidays. When will everyone get together? Who is responsible for bringing food? How much are we spending on each other this year? Are we buying gifts for everyone, or are we drawing names? Answering these questions beforehand can make life more bearable for everyone!

3. Learn to say “NO”. Many people do not believe that it is okay to tell someone that they cannot do something or will not do something, even when what they have been asked to do negatively affects those most precious to them. For example, a mom who is already stressed out is asked to take four hours out of her day to collect, sort, and label coats for the food closet. This was sprung on the mom at the last minute, and the mom reluctantly agrees, knowing that doing this will make her late picking up the kids from school, which will stress her out. Because she’s late picking up the kids, she gets behind schedule getting them ready for their traditional night out at Dollywood enjoying the lights and shows. They arrive at Dollywood just in time to stand in line for Babes in Toyland. After standing in line for an hour and a half, they get close to the door and realize that there are too many people and they are not going to make it inside for this show, which is the last show of the night. The mom, dad, and kids are all disappointed and cold (it’s cold at night in December, and the line at Dollywood for this show wraps around several outdoor attractions). The planning that the mom put into this trip was wasted, and the tradition was somewhat spoiled. Saying no to extraneous or last-minute “obligations” can let your family know that they are your priority, and it can let those “obligations” know that if they want your time, they need to ask you for it in a timely, courteous, non-threatening, and hassle-free manner.*

4. Refine your gift list. Especially this year, with the economy being so out of whack, it’s a good idea to refine your gift list. Do you really need to give the trash collector a $30 gift? The mailperson? The UPS or FEDEX delivery people? What about Uncle Larry in Arkansas? Would he appreciate a funny letter rather than an expensive gift? Making a budget and prioritizing who gets the best and who gets the leftovers is a great way to reduce your stress. Just because you feel obligated to give a gift doesn’t mean you are obligated to. Many times people would rather have a nice card with a personal note written on it than a brand new Christmas sweater that they’ll feel obligated to wear next year anyway.

5. Shop with cash. Set up a budget, get some envelopes, write your recipients’ name on one envelope each, stash the appropriate amount of cash (according to the budget and the priority of the recipient) in each envelope, and shop away. When you’re shopping, pay for each recipient out of their envelope. It’s okay to make several payment transactions at the same store for different recipients. Make sure to put the change back in that recipient’s envelope. When you run out of cash in each envelope, you are finished shopping for that individual. Do not allow yourself to make loans from one envelope to the other. This will help you stay on budget, remain fair, and keep you from feeling guilty because you spent more on one person than you did another.

6. Worship. Spend some time reflecting on what Christmas really is. Christmas is celebrated because God left His throne where He was being worshipped at ALL times, wrapped Himself in flesh, and allowed Himself to be born as a human in a barn. He left glory for humiliation for the sake of saving His children from an eternity without Him. When you think about gifts, think of this one, and remember to thank Him for His glorious sacrifice and for saving your life!

These are six easy strategies to keep yourself and your family sane, safe, and on budget this Christmas. Remember to enjoy these holy days and focus on the One who made them holy.

*This is not to say that helping in a food closet is a waste of time or energy. If one of your traditions that you choose is to help others, it is perfectly fine to do so. If the decision to work the food closet was made because you feel obligated to, then you might want to reconsider your decision. Cheerful givers are often more pleasant than resentful or stressed-out givers.