Do You Have a Crystal Ball?

The second way many of us fallible human beings jump to conclusions is by fortune telling.  "Oh, I don't do that!  I don't have a crystal ball and try to tell people the future!"  That's what I said to myself when I first saw this, but then I got to looking into it.  Fortune Telling is forming an opinion on which you would act by predicting the future.  It is not saying, "This MIGHT happen", but rather, "I KNOW this will happen," and then acting on that "knowledge".


Here's an example of what fortune telling could look like:

Me: So, how is your dating life going?

Client: Not so good.  I'm going to break up with him.

Me: Really? What happened?

Client: Well, I know he's going to break up with me.

Me: How do you know he's going to break up with you?

Client: I just do.

Me: So what you're telling me is that you know he's going to break up with you, so you're going to break up with him first.  Seeing as you and I don't have a crystal ball that tells us what the future holds, what evidence do you have that leads you to believe that he's going to break up with you?

Client: He has never had a girlfriend past 3 months, and we're at 2 months and 25 days.  We had a big fight yesterday.

Me: Okay, so if we were gambling, we could probably make a lot of money betting that he will break up with you based on the evidence you've presented, right?

Client: Right.

Me: But since neither of us has a crystal ball that tells us for certain what the future holds, what prevents you from having an honest discussion with him about your thoughts and fears with the relationship?  What do you have to lose?

Client: I'm afraid he'll break up with me if I'm that vulnerable, and that would be terrible because it would mean that he has rejected me.

Me: Well, certainly no one enjoys being rejected. How important is this relationship to you?

Client: Very.

Me: Okay. Have you ever been rejected before?

Client: Yes.

Me: Did you survive it?

Client: Well, I'm still alive aren't I? Of course I survived!

Me: So do you think it might be worth risking rejection and vulnerability to save this very important relationship?

Client: Yeah, I think it would.

It is good to recognize when we are jumping to conclusions by fortune telling, because it can prevent us from creating self-fulfilling prophecies (SFPs). An SFP is the unintentional creation of the predicted outcome because the person predicted it.  In the example above, the client predicted that the relationship would not last past three months.  This led to the client being unwilling to be vulnerable and share her true thoughts and feelings with her boyfriend.  After closing herself off from the relationship and preemptively breaking up with him (creation of the predicted outcome), she likely would say, "See, I told you the relationship wouldn't last past three months!" An outsider can clearly see, however, that had she been open and honest with her thoughts and feelings even though she believed this to be true, the relationship might have lasted more than three months.  There might have been a different outcome.

There is nothing irrational about making an educated guess or prediction for personal guidance. It is when we become CERTAIN that our prediction WILL happen, instead of it merely being LIKELY to happen, that our thinking becomes irrational. Because we cannot accurately predict that we will even take our next breath, the only prediction that we can be CERTAIN of is that we will all one day die.


In order to avoid Fortune Telling and SFPs, make sure you are looking at your situation with all the facts, and you understand what your underlying assumptions are.  Take your time formulating your opinions and your actions.

For more on this topic, read Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What! by Aldo Pucci.

Discounting the Positive

Discounting the positive is a mental mistake that is very similar to the mental filter (Pucci, 2006). When people discount the positive, they are often believing some sort of negative thought, and any evidence that comes up to the contrary somehow "doesn't count".

For example, let's say a woman believes that she is bad.  After defining the word "bad" to mean that she is innately evil, is worthless, and has nothing good to bring to society, I bring up some points to counter her thinking.  Bringing up the fact that the woman has a stable job where she is in charge of several departments yields a response such as, "Yeah, but that doesn't count because they felt sorry for me and kept promoting me even though I'm bad." Bringing up the point that the woman has never harmed anyone, much less murdered them, she replies, "I haven't yet, but I could." Confronting her with the fact that she has a family who loves, supports, and needs her, she replies, "I will probably end up hurting them one day too."  This woman is discounting the positive evidence against her negative belief.  When she does this, she depresses herself and makes herself quite anxious.

How can we make sure we are not making this mental mistake?
1. To think rationally, we must base our thinking on fact. This means all the facts, not just the ones that we like or that fit with our current beliefs (Pucci, 2006). 

2. Ask questions that might disconfirm the already held belief (Roberto, 2009).

3. Decide to entertain competing beliefs (Roberto, 2009).

4. Probe the opinion of experts.  If an expert agrees with the already believed thought, ask him or her why they agree with you and what evidence they have that supports or refutes your belief (Roberto, 2009).


Sources:
Pucci, A. R. (2006). The Client's Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to live a  healthy, happy life...no matter what! New York: iUniverse, Inc.

Roberto, M. A. (2009). The Art of Critical Decision Making Parts I & II. Chantilly, VA: The Teaching Company.

Are You “In Love”? You May be Making a Mental Mistake!

According to Aldo Pucci (2006), MA, DCBT, and author of The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mental Mistake #3 is the mental filter, or, as professor Michael A. Roberto (2009) of Bryant University calls it, the confirmation bias.  The mental filter is described as acknowledging only information that is consistent with already believed thoughts.  In plain English, it’s like going through life with blinders on. 

Have you ever heard the expression “Love is blind”?  Well, that concept actually has some merit to it.  When we are in love, we often believe that the person we are in love with is perfect for us.  We will often overlook, downplay, or even change evidence to the contrary until it fits with what we already have our minds set to think.  Later on, after we’ve been married for a while, the blinders come down and we begin to tell each other, “You’ve changed!” While it’s possible that we’ve changed, it could also be that the blinders we had while we were dating have started to come down, and we’re finally seeing the other person as they actually are.

I’ve heard this mistake used in several ways.  Some people will believe that they are stupid (despite evidence that they are of at least average intelligence), others that they are worthless (despite evidence of their value), others that they are bad (despite evidence that they are no worse than any other fallible human being), others that their lives are no longer worth living (despite evidence that their unpleasant circumstances are merely temporary), others that their boyfriend/girlfriend is so wonderful and perfect (despite others warning of their criminal, murderous history), others that the Japanese would never bomb Pearl Harbor (Wohlstetter, 1962) (despite evidence that they were on their way), and others that they are the greatest thing that ever happened to the world (despite evidence that they are no better than the above average fallible human being).  When they present their evidence for these beliefs, I often chuckle to myself, because I see the mental filter in action!

What can we do about the mental filter?
1. Look at and acknowledge ALL information about a specific belief or situation, not just that information that confirms your belief.  Intentionally look for evidence that supports alternative views.  Identify a thought or belief that passes the Three Rational Questions but that you may have difficulty believing. Pretend that you are an attorney, and in one week you must present evidence that will convince a jury that the new thought is true.  Refuse to make up evidence and provide examples from your life that actually happen.  Write down all your evidence.

2. Acknowledge that you can be incorrect in your thinking. List the things you think about the world, yourself, and others that you HOPE are incorrect. Now, look for evidence to support the possibility that you are, in fact, incorrect in thinking these thoughts.
Being aware of the mental filter will help you in many areas of your life, including your love life.  Now, go out there and prove yourself wrong!

Sources:
Pucci, A. R. (2006). The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to Live a Healthy, Happy Life…No Matter What! New York: iUniverse, Inc.

Roberto, M. A. (2009). The Art of Critical Decision Making Parts I & II. Chantilly, VA: The Teaching Company.

Wohlstetter, R. (1962). Pearl Harbor: Warning and Decision. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.

Mental Mistake #2 – Overgeneralization

Continuing the discussion on the 26 Common Mental Mistakes, number two on the list is overgeneralization.  According to Dr. Aldo Pucci in his book Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What, overgeneralization is the unintentional exaggeration of the frequency of something (saying something ALWAYS or NEVER happens), or an inaccurate extrapolation (saying that because one part of a group is a certain way, all parts of that group must be that way).

1. Unintentional Exaggerations
This mental mistake is particularly used in marriages and in families with teenagers.  You may have heard your loved ones say something like, “You NEVER let me do anything!” or “You ALWAYS get upset when I tell you how I feel, so I’ve learned not to tell you.”  If these are not statements of fact, then these loved ones are overgeneralizing.  They are not intentionally exaggerating; they are merely using the English language style they were taught.  Is it accurate to say that someone ALWAYS gets upset when feelings are expressed by someone else?  If it is, then this is not an overgeneralization, but a fact.  However, if there has been one time where the person did not get upset, then this statement is no longer fact.  It now implies that the person has the inability to feel something other than upset when the other person expresses his or her feelings.  The same is true for the NEVER statement.  If it is true that the person has not one time in the past let the other person do anything, then this is a statement of fact. If it is untrue that the person has never let the other person do anything, it is implied that the person in authority is a spiteful, tyrannical killjoy, and the statement is inaccurate.

2. Inaccurate Extrapolations
Inaccurate extrapolations can lead to many misconceptions.  For example, a person was driving down the road and noticed a crew of Latino workers quickly and beautifully landscaping a property.  The person told his wife, “You know, Latinos are hard workers.”   They continued driving and passed a road construction crew where everyone, including Latinos and other races, was taking a break.  The wife said to her husband, “You know, Latinos are lazy.”  Who was right?  Neither!  Just because the Latinos in one situation were working hard does not mean that all of them do, and just because they were not working hard in the second example does not mean that they all do not work hard.  Other examples of inaccurate extrapolations can include:
Asians are intelligent.

White people are money hungry and have no rhythm.

Black people are good at basketball and can dance.

Christians are stupid.

Muslims are terrorists.

Men are evil.

Women are crazy.

All hot dogs make me vomit. (The person who said this had vomited only after eating hot dogs from a certain
restaurant one time, and had never before vomited after eating hot dogs there)

Athletes are idiots.

Nerds are not cool.

Band members are geeks.

Teenagers are lazy.

Fords (or Hondas or Chevys or Pontiacs) are unreliable and will break down on you.

Inaccurate extrapolations like these can lead to prejudice, hate crimes, and other unhealthy fears.  They can also lead to mistaken underlying assumptions such as these groups of people or things being unable to be anything else than how they have been judged.

How to avoid Overgeneralizing:
1. Speak the facts, not what appears to be the facts or what is just easier to say.
2. Make judgments on a case-by-case basis rather than judging all things to be a certain way simply because one thing was that way.

For more information, read Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What by Aldo Pucci.

More Questions for Self-Discovery

We Americans have heard it said by many people that those people made whatever selfish decision they made because they wanted to “find” themselves.  Wouldn’t it be great if people could find themselves without making poor, selfish, or regrettable choices?  At the beginning of the month I posted some basic questions for self-discovery, questions that help us answer that age-old question “Who am I?”  I got some positive feedback from that blog, so I decided to present some follow-up questions to get us all thinking about who we are so that we don’t “find ourselves” in a big fat mess later on in life.

1. If I had all the money and resources I could ever need, what would I spend my time, money, and effort doing?

2. What population of people do I have a knack for attracting?

3. What population of people do I want to attract?

4. Do I enjoy being with children, teenagers, young adults, middle-aged adults, the elderly, or special needs
people?

5. What is my passion?

6. If I were to serve in a branch of the military, which would it be?  Why? What job would I want to have?

7. What 5 things keep me from achieving my goals?

8. What 5 things helped me achieve my goals in the past?

9. What are the spiritual gifts that God has blessed me with?

10. What talents has God given me (remember that talents do not have to be fine arts like singing, drawing, dancing, or acting; talents can include being able to understand how and why things work, teaching, cooking, making things grow, encouraging others, setting and meeting goals, coaching others, etc…)?

11. What is attractive to me about my church?

12. What do I love about my closest friends?

13. What types of qualities do I tend to bring out in others?

14. Do I tend to follow the rules or break them?

15. Who do I respect?  Why? What qualities do they have that I respect?

16. Is there anyone I do not respect?  Why? What qualities do they have that I disrespect?

17. Do I control my emotions, or do my emotions control me?

18. What areas of my life would I like to improve?

19. What areas of my life am I satisfied with?

20. Am I willing to ask for help to change my life for the better?

These are great questions to ask to help us get better acquainted with ourselves. Another resource for us is the DISC inventory, which helps us understand more about our personality. Crown Financial Ministries offers a free version of the DISC on their website.  Just click on “Find out now” which is right underneath “What's your Crown Money Map Personality I.D.?” and take the short (5-10 minutes) personality inventory.  Make sure to read the instructions before taking the inventory.  Good luck, and happy self-discovering!

Who Am I?

It’s amazing, but this most basic question is one that so many of us ask but so few of us know how to answer.  Before you throw away your current life in search of the answer, take some time to do some self-discovery.  You might find you already like who you are!

1. What do I like?

2. What do I NOT like?

3. What are my values?

4. What do each of the words I used to describe my values mean to me?

5. How would I describe my reputation?

6. What kind of reputation do I want to have?

7. Who do I want to BE?

8. What do I want to DO?

9. What do I want to HAVE?

10. What other goals do I have?

11.  What are 15 things I want to accomplish before I die?

12. How do I want people to describe my life on my 80th birthday?

13. What is my proudest moment?

14. What moment in my life am I least proud of?

15. What are my top 5 strengths?

16. What are my top 5 weaknesses?

These are just a few questions to get you thinking about that most basic question we all ask.  Schedule 30 minutes into your planner this week and begin answering these questions. This could be one of the most important exercises you will ever do, because this exercise will help you find your identity and your purpose!

Make a Plan!

Do you panic?  Do you have flashbacks that are difficult to control?  Do you have suicidal or depressive thoughts that lead you to situations that may not be in  your best interest?  One thing that helps many people in these situations is to have a written plan.

How do you do this?  While you are calm, think back to a time when you were panicking, suicidal, depressed, having flashbacks, or generally just behaving in a way that wasn’t working for you.  Think of some things that you could have done in that moment to snap yourself out of that thinking.  Think of things you could have done differently that would have led to less exposure to trauma, more structured or rational thinking, or even just a healthier response.  Write those things down on a 4x6 index card.

Now think of where you are when you experience those symptoms.  Put your index card in an easily accessible and visible place in the area where you are when you experience those symptoms.

For example, if you typically experience panic thoughts and symptoms while driving, make an index card plan and put it on your visor.  That way, when you begin to feel the thoughts and symptoms coming on, you can easily see that you have other options and you know what to do to stop those thoughts and symptoms before they overwhelm you.

Here is an example of what this could look like for someone who often panics while driving:

1. Find a parking lot and pull in.  If no lot is available, pull onto the shoulder.  If no shoulder is available, pull into a driveway or onto a side road with little traffic.

2. Take a few deep, calming breaths.

3. Assess thinking.

4. Apply the 3 rational questions.

5. Read over the list of replacement thoughts that are located on the opposite side of the visor.

6. Continue to breathe deeply, read the list, and apply the 3 rational questions until calm enough to drive safely.

Having a plan like this can make all the difference in a panic situation, and can calm the situation down much more quickly than just riding out the panic with no plan.  Take the time today to plan ahead and take care of yourself.  You are worth it!

Getting Through the “Christmastime Crazies”

Have you noticed how life seems to get more and more crazy the closer you get to Christmas? Here are some suggestions for getting through this crazy season and keeping your sanity and family together!

1. Pick two to three traditions that will be special to your family. Traditions are wonderful things that help establish the identity and uniqueness of each family. Unfortunately retailers, amusements, attractions, friends, Sunday Schools, churches, and other outsiders want your family to feel obligated by tradition to go to their events every year. Picking two to three traditions for your family will help you to keep your focus, decrease your stress, and drastically reduce your busy-ness. You will still have special times that are unique to your family, but you will not become overwhelmed with obligations simply because tradition says you must continue.

2. Discuss your plans with extended family before the holidays arrive. Many stressful situations occur when families have different ideas of what to expect during the holidays. When will everyone get together? Who is responsible for bringing food? How much are we spending on each other this year? Are we buying gifts for everyone, or are we drawing names? Answering these questions beforehand can make life more bearable for everyone!

3. Learn to say “NO”. Many people do not believe that it is okay to tell someone that they cannot do something or will not do something, even when what they have been asked to do negatively affects those most precious to them. For example, a mom who is already stressed out is asked to take four hours out of her day to collect, sort, and label coats for the food closet. This was sprung on the mom at the last minute, and the mom reluctantly agrees, knowing that doing this will make her late picking up the kids from school, which will stress her out. Because she’s late picking up the kids, she gets behind schedule getting them ready for their traditional night out at Dollywood enjoying the lights and shows. They arrive at Dollywood just in time to stand in line for Babes in Toyland. After standing in line for an hour and a half, they get close to the door and realize that there are too many people and they are not going to make it inside for this show, which is the last show of the night. The mom, dad, and kids are all disappointed and cold (it’s cold at night in December, and the line at Dollywood for this show wraps around several outdoor attractions). The planning that the mom put into this trip was wasted, and the tradition was somewhat spoiled. Saying no to extraneous or last-minute “obligations” can let your family know that they are your priority, and it can let those “obligations” know that if they want your time, they need to ask you for it in a timely, courteous, non-threatening, and hassle-free manner.*

4. Refine your gift list. Especially this year, with the economy being so out of whack, it’s a good idea to refine your gift list. Do you really need to give the trash collector a $30 gift? The mailperson? The UPS or FEDEX delivery people? What about Uncle Larry in Arkansas? Would he appreciate a funny letter rather than an expensive gift? Making a budget and prioritizing who gets the best and who gets the leftovers is a great way to reduce your stress. Just because you feel obligated to give a gift doesn’t mean you are obligated to. Many times people would rather have a nice card with a personal note written on it than a brand new Christmas sweater that they’ll feel obligated to wear next year anyway.

5. Shop with cash. Set up a budget, get some envelopes, write your recipients’ name on one envelope each, stash the appropriate amount of cash (according to the budget and the priority of the recipient) in each envelope, and shop away. When you’re shopping, pay for each recipient out of their envelope. It’s okay to make several payment transactions at the same store for different recipients. Make sure to put the change back in that recipient’s envelope. When you run out of cash in each envelope, you are finished shopping for that individual. Do not allow yourself to make loans from one envelope to the other. This will help you stay on budget, remain fair, and keep you from feeling guilty because you spent more on one person than you did another.

6. Worship. Spend some time reflecting on what Christmas really is. Christmas is celebrated because God left His throne where He was being worshipped at ALL times, wrapped Himself in flesh, and allowed Himself to be born as a human in a barn. He left glory for humiliation for the sake of saving His children from an eternity without Him. When you think about gifts, think of this one, and remember to thank Him for His glorious sacrifice and for saving your life!

These are six easy strategies to keep yourself and your family sane, safe, and on budget this Christmas. Remember to enjoy these holy days and focus on the One who made them holy.

*This is not to say that helping in a food closet is a waste of time or energy. If one of your traditions that you choose is to help others, it is perfectly fine to do so. If the decision to work the food closet was made because you feel obligated to, then you might want to reconsider your decision. Cheerful givers are often more pleasant than resentful or stressed-out givers.