Do You Have a Crystal Ball?

The second way many of us fallible human beings jump to conclusions is by fortune telling.  "Oh, I don't do that!  I don't have a crystal ball and try to tell people the future!"  That's what I said to myself when I first saw this, but then I got to looking into it.  Fortune Telling is forming an opinion on which you would act by predicting the future.  It is not saying, "This MIGHT happen", but rather, "I KNOW this will happen," and then acting on that "knowledge".


Here's an example of what fortune telling could look like:

Me: So, how is your dating life going?

Client: Not so good.  I'm going to break up with him.

Me: Really? What happened?

Client: Well, I know he's going to break up with me.

Me: How do you know he's going to break up with you?

Client: I just do.

Me: So what you're telling me is that you know he's going to break up with you, so you're going to break up with him first.  Seeing as you and I don't have a crystal ball that tells us what the future holds, what evidence do you have that leads you to believe that he's going to break up with you?

Client: He has never had a girlfriend past 3 months, and we're at 2 months and 25 days.  We had a big fight yesterday.

Me: Okay, so if we were gambling, we could probably make a lot of money betting that he will break up with you based on the evidence you've presented, right?

Client: Right.

Me: But since neither of us has a crystal ball that tells us for certain what the future holds, what prevents you from having an honest discussion with him about your thoughts and fears with the relationship?  What do you have to lose?

Client: I'm afraid he'll break up with me if I'm that vulnerable, and that would be terrible because it would mean that he has rejected me.

Me: Well, certainly no one enjoys being rejected. How important is this relationship to you?

Client: Very.

Me: Okay. Have you ever been rejected before?

Client: Yes.

Me: Did you survive it?

Client: Well, I'm still alive aren't I? Of course I survived!

Me: So do you think it might be worth risking rejection and vulnerability to save this very important relationship?

Client: Yeah, I think it would.

It is good to recognize when we are jumping to conclusions by fortune telling, because it can prevent us from creating self-fulfilling prophecies (SFPs). An SFP is the unintentional creation of the predicted outcome because the person predicted it.  In the example above, the client predicted that the relationship would not last past three months.  This led to the client being unwilling to be vulnerable and share her true thoughts and feelings with her boyfriend.  After closing herself off from the relationship and preemptively breaking up with him (creation of the predicted outcome), she likely would say, "See, I told you the relationship wouldn't last past three months!" An outsider can clearly see, however, that had she been open and honest with her thoughts and feelings even though she believed this to be true, the relationship might have lasted more than three months.  There might have been a different outcome.

There is nothing irrational about making an educated guess or prediction for personal guidance. It is when we become CERTAIN that our prediction WILL happen, instead of it merely being LIKELY to happen, that our thinking becomes irrational. Because we cannot accurately predict that we will even take our next breath, the only prediction that we can be CERTAIN of is that we will all one day die.


In order to avoid Fortune Telling and SFPs, make sure you are looking at your situation with all the facts, and you understand what your underlying assumptions are.  Take your time formulating your opinions and your actions.

For more on this topic, read Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What! by Aldo Pucci.

Discounting the Positive

Discounting the positive is a mental mistake that is very similar to the mental filter (Pucci, 2006). When people discount the positive, they are often believing some sort of negative thought, and any evidence that comes up to the contrary somehow "doesn't count".

For example, let's say a woman believes that she is bad.  After defining the word "bad" to mean that she is innately evil, is worthless, and has nothing good to bring to society, I bring up some points to counter her thinking.  Bringing up the fact that the woman has a stable job where she is in charge of several departments yields a response such as, "Yeah, but that doesn't count because they felt sorry for me and kept promoting me even though I'm bad." Bringing up the point that the woman has never harmed anyone, much less murdered them, she replies, "I haven't yet, but I could." Confronting her with the fact that she has a family who loves, supports, and needs her, she replies, "I will probably end up hurting them one day too."  This woman is discounting the positive evidence against her negative belief.  When she does this, she depresses herself and makes herself quite anxious.

How can we make sure we are not making this mental mistake?
1. To think rationally, we must base our thinking on fact. This means all the facts, not just the ones that we like or that fit with our current beliefs (Pucci, 2006). 

2. Ask questions that might disconfirm the already held belief (Roberto, 2009).

3. Decide to entertain competing beliefs (Roberto, 2009).

4. Probe the opinion of experts.  If an expert agrees with the already believed thought, ask him or her why they agree with you and what evidence they have that supports or refutes your belief (Roberto, 2009).


Sources:
Pucci, A. R. (2006). The Client's Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to live a  healthy, happy life...no matter what! New York: iUniverse, Inc.

Roberto, M. A. (2009). The Art of Critical Decision Making Parts I & II. Chantilly, VA: The Teaching Company.

Are You “In Love”? You May be Making a Mental Mistake!

According to Aldo Pucci (2006), MA, DCBT, and author of The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mental Mistake #3 is the mental filter, or, as professor Michael A. Roberto (2009) of Bryant University calls it, the confirmation bias.  The mental filter is described as acknowledging only information that is consistent with already believed thoughts.  In plain English, it’s like going through life with blinders on. 

Have you ever heard the expression “Love is blind”?  Well, that concept actually has some merit to it.  When we are in love, we often believe that the person we are in love with is perfect for us.  We will often overlook, downplay, or even change evidence to the contrary until it fits with what we already have our minds set to think.  Later on, after we’ve been married for a while, the blinders come down and we begin to tell each other, “You’ve changed!” While it’s possible that we’ve changed, it could also be that the blinders we had while we were dating have started to come down, and we’re finally seeing the other person as they actually are.

I’ve heard this mistake used in several ways.  Some people will believe that they are stupid (despite evidence that they are of at least average intelligence), others that they are worthless (despite evidence of their value), others that they are bad (despite evidence that they are no worse than any other fallible human being), others that their lives are no longer worth living (despite evidence that their unpleasant circumstances are merely temporary), others that their boyfriend/girlfriend is so wonderful and perfect (despite others warning of their criminal, murderous history), others that the Japanese would never bomb Pearl Harbor (Wohlstetter, 1962) (despite evidence that they were on their way), and others that they are the greatest thing that ever happened to the world (despite evidence that they are no better than the above average fallible human being).  When they present their evidence for these beliefs, I often chuckle to myself, because I see the mental filter in action!

What can we do about the mental filter?
1. Look at and acknowledge ALL information about a specific belief or situation, not just that information that confirms your belief.  Intentionally look for evidence that supports alternative views.  Identify a thought or belief that passes the Three Rational Questions but that you may have difficulty believing. Pretend that you are an attorney, and in one week you must present evidence that will convince a jury that the new thought is true.  Refuse to make up evidence and provide examples from your life that actually happen.  Write down all your evidence.

2. Acknowledge that you can be incorrect in your thinking. List the things you think about the world, yourself, and others that you HOPE are incorrect. Now, look for evidence to support the possibility that you are, in fact, incorrect in thinking these thoughts.
Being aware of the mental filter will help you in many areas of your life, including your love life.  Now, go out there and prove yourself wrong!

Sources:
Pucci, A. R. (2006). The Client’s Guide to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: How to Live a Healthy, Happy Life…No Matter What! New York: iUniverse, Inc.

Roberto, M. A. (2009). The Art of Critical Decision Making Parts I & II. Chantilly, VA: The Teaching Company.

Wohlstetter, R. (1962). Pearl Harbor: Warning and Decision. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.

Look Out for Mental Mistakes!

Are you a procrastinator? A perfectionist? Prone to depressed thinking? Just a little “OCD”? Prone to panic, worry, or any other type of anxiety? Your problem may be that you are making some mental mistakes!

Dr. Aldo Pucci, the developer of Rational-Living Therapy, has identified 26 Common Mental Mistakes that most people make.  These mental mistakes are easily identified, and once they are understood, they are easily rectified.  Throughout the next few months I will be describing these Mental Mistakes, giving examples, and showing you what to do about them.

1. All or None Thinking:  All or none thinking is defined as “seeing no middle ground.”  This is often referred to as “Black or White thinking.”  People who think in terms of All or None often have difficulty with:

Procrastination -  “If I can’t get it all done in one sitting, I won’t do any of it.”

Perfectionism - “It’s not worth doing if I can’t do it perfectly.” “It’s not worth turning in if it’s not perfect.” “I’d rather take an F than turn in imperfect work.” “You either do the work completely or you don’t do it at all.”

Trying new things or staying with something they enjoy - “There is no use of me playing soccer if I can’t be on the USA’s World Cup soccer team.”

Marriage Issues - “You either love me or you don’t.” “The way I fold towels is the only way to do it correctly.”

Idealizing others - “He/she is perfect.”

Devaluing others - “He/she is absolutely terrible.”

Depression - “This situation is absolutely hopeless. There is no solution.” “Life is not worth living without _____.”

Dieting or Sobriety - “I indulged one time so I blew it.”


What to do:
1. REFUSE to think this way any longer.

2. Ask yourself if your statement is absolutely true all the time, or if there is some sort of gray area or continuum. Dr. Pucci states that most things in life are on a dimmer switch rather than a light switch.  What he is saying is that there are degrees in most things.

3. Replace your old thought with a new, rational thought.

4. Practice your new rational thought until it becomes your new habit.

For example:

Instead of thinking:	Think this:
“If I can’t get it all done in one sitting, I won’t do any of it.”	“If I can’t get all this done in one sitting, that’s okay. I will have less to do when I return to this project later.”
“It’s not worth doing if I can’t do it perfectly”	“There is value in learning from my mistakes. If I can’t do it perfectly, there is still value in doing it.”
“It’s not worth turning in if it’s not perfect. I’d rather take an F than turn in imperfect work.”	“I am a fallible human being. I can’t expect everything I do to be perfect. I would rather turn in imperfect work and pass this class than have to take this class over again because I failed to turn in an assignment”
“There is no use of me playing soccer if I can’t be on the USA’s World Cup soccer team.”	“Even if I don’t have the skills or talent for the USA national team, I can still learn a lot and enjoy myself by playing in my recreational league. If I enjoy soccer, I can play as long as possible.”
“You either love me or you don’t.”	“Some days your love for me will be stronger than other days.”
“The way I fold towels is the only way to do it correctly.”	“There are several ways to do many chores, and even if it’s not my way, it still gets done.”
“He/she is perfect.”	“He/she is a fallible human being with positive, negative, neutral qualities.”
“He/she is absolutely terrible.”	“He/she is a fallible human being with positive, negative, neutral qualities.”
“This situation is absolutely hopeless. There is no solution.”	“Just because I don’t see a solution doesn’t mean one does not exist.”
“Life is not worth living without _____.”	“My happiness does not depend on ____. I can have happy days and a satisfying life without ___.”
“I indulged one time so I blew it. I quit.”	“I indulged one time. I can learn from this so that I don’t do it again, and I can finish out the rest of today working on my goal of developing new and healthy habits.”

Removing All or None thinking can help to alleviate many problems.  How have you exhibited All or None thinking? What did you do about it?

Make a Plan!

Do you panic?  Do you have flashbacks that are difficult to control?  Do you have suicidal or depressive thoughts that lead you to situations that may not be in  your best interest?  One thing that helps many people in these situations is to have a written plan.

How do you do this?  While you are calm, think back to a time when you were panicking, suicidal, depressed, having flashbacks, or generally just behaving in a way that wasn’t working for you.  Think of some things that you could have done in that moment to snap yourself out of that thinking.  Think of things you could have done differently that would have led to less exposure to trauma, more structured or rational thinking, or even just a healthier response.  Write those things down on a 4x6 index card.

Now think of where you are when you experience those symptoms.  Put your index card in an easily accessible and visible place in the area where you are when you experience those symptoms.

For example, if you typically experience panic thoughts and symptoms while driving, make an index card plan and put it on your visor.  That way, when you begin to feel the thoughts and symptoms coming on, you can easily see that you have other options and you know what to do to stop those thoughts and symptoms before they overwhelm you.

Here is an example of what this could look like for someone who often panics while driving:

1. Find a parking lot and pull in.  If no lot is available, pull onto the shoulder.  If no shoulder is available, pull into a driveway or onto a side road with little traffic.

2. Take a few deep, calming breaths.

3. Assess thinking.

4. Apply the 3 rational questions.

5. Read over the list of replacement thoughts that are located on the opposite side of the visor.

6. Continue to breathe deeply, read the list, and apply the 3 rational questions until calm enough to drive safely.

Having a plan like this can make all the difference in a panic situation, and can calm the situation down much more quickly than just riding out the panic with no plan.  Take the time today to plan ahead and take care of yourself.  You are worth it!

Getting Through the “Christmastime Crazies”

Have you noticed how life seems to get more and more crazy the closer you get to Christmas? Here are some suggestions for getting through this crazy season and keeping your sanity and family together!

1. Pick two to three traditions that will be special to your family. Traditions are wonderful things that help establish the identity and uniqueness of each family. Unfortunately retailers, amusements, attractions, friends, Sunday Schools, churches, and other outsiders want your family to feel obligated by tradition to go to their events every year. Picking two to three traditions for your family will help you to keep your focus, decrease your stress, and drastically reduce your busy-ness. You will still have special times that are unique to your family, but you will not become overwhelmed with obligations simply because tradition says you must continue.

2. Discuss your plans with extended family before the holidays arrive. Many stressful situations occur when families have different ideas of what to expect during the holidays. When will everyone get together? Who is responsible for bringing food? How much are we spending on each other this year? Are we buying gifts for everyone, or are we drawing names? Answering these questions beforehand can make life more bearable for everyone!

3. Learn to say “NO”. Many people do not believe that it is okay to tell someone that they cannot do something or will not do something, even when what they have been asked to do negatively affects those most precious to them. For example, a mom who is already stressed out is asked to take four hours out of her day to collect, sort, and label coats for the food closet. This was sprung on the mom at the last minute, and the mom reluctantly agrees, knowing that doing this will make her late picking up the kids from school, which will stress her out. Because she’s late picking up the kids, she gets behind schedule getting them ready for their traditional night out at Dollywood enjoying the lights and shows. They arrive at Dollywood just in time to stand in line for Babes in Toyland. After standing in line for an hour and a half, they get close to the door and realize that there are too many people and they are not going to make it inside for this show, which is the last show of the night. The mom, dad, and kids are all disappointed and cold (it’s cold at night in December, and the line at Dollywood for this show wraps around several outdoor attractions). The planning that the mom put into this trip was wasted, and the tradition was somewhat spoiled. Saying no to extraneous or last-minute “obligations” can let your family know that they are your priority, and it can let those “obligations” know that if they want your time, they need to ask you for it in a timely, courteous, non-threatening, and hassle-free manner.*

4. Refine your gift list. Especially this year, with the economy being so out of whack, it’s a good idea to refine your gift list. Do you really need to give the trash collector a $30 gift? The mailperson? The UPS or FEDEX delivery people? What about Uncle Larry in Arkansas? Would he appreciate a funny letter rather than an expensive gift? Making a budget and prioritizing who gets the best and who gets the leftovers is a great way to reduce your stress. Just because you feel obligated to give a gift doesn’t mean you are obligated to. Many times people would rather have a nice card with a personal note written on it than a brand new Christmas sweater that they’ll feel obligated to wear next year anyway.

5. Shop with cash. Set up a budget, get some envelopes, write your recipients’ name on one envelope each, stash the appropriate amount of cash (according to the budget and the priority of the recipient) in each envelope, and shop away. When you’re shopping, pay for each recipient out of their envelope. It’s okay to make several payment transactions at the same store for different recipients. Make sure to put the change back in that recipient’s envelope. When you run out of cash in each envelope, you are finished shopping for that individual. Do not allow yourself to make loans from one envelope to the other. This will help you stay on budget, remain fair, and keep you from feeling guilty because you spent more on one person than you did another.

6. Worship. Spend some time reflecting on what Christmas really is. Christmas is celebrated because God left His throne where He was being worshipped at ALL times, wrapped Himself in flesh, and allowed Himself to be born as a human in a barn. He left glory for humiliation for the sake of saving His children from an eternity without Him. When you think about gifts, think of this one, and remember to thank Him for His glorious sacrifice and for saving your life!

These are six easy strategies to keep yourself and your family sane, safe, and on budget this Christmas. Remember to enjoy these holy days and focus on the One who made them holy.

*This is not to say that helping in a food closet is a waste of time or energy. If one of your traditions that you choose is to help others, it is perfectly fine to do so. If the decision to work the food closet was made because you feel obligated to, then you might want to reconsider your decision. Cheerful givers are often more pleasant than resentful or stressed-out givers.